Reader’s Question

Q. My boyfriend has admitted to having sexual and/or romantic feelings for an ex-girlfriend. He is still in contact with her by phone, and we occasionally see her in a social setting. The last time we saw her, his behavior was so obvious that several of our friends have asked me if we are having problems. I want to talk to him about this issue, but I don’t want to alienate him or make him feel defensive. Do you have any suggestions on the best way to approach this problem?

– Thanks, AJ

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A. When we have ex-partners and ex-sweethearts, we are often left with tons of memories of the relationship — some good, some bad. Some of those memories are very emotional and contain sexual and romantic feelings. The brain pulls those memories when we are reminded of the relationship either by conversation or the physical presence of the person. In situations with ex’s, a break-up usually has enough “bad” memories to make us uncomfortable in their presence. If the break-up was milder or more time has passed, the romantic and/or sexual emotional memories may surface. This happens frequently at high school reunions. You meet your first sweetheart at the 30th reunion and suddenly feel in love with him/her. In truth, you don’t even know them in the here and now. Your brain, through memories, remembers that you once did however and makes you feel it. For more information on how emotional memory works, I have an article on Emotional Memory.

While this memory experience is common, he’s not handling it very well. He’s allowing the memories to take over, making his behavior very inappropriate in your presence. It’s like being a big fan of Brad Pitt (actor) and finding yourself on an elevator with him. Many fans become giddy and speechless.

Have a talk that brings his behavior to his attention — he may not realize it’s that obvious. Stress with him your need to feel comfortable at those times. Agree on a strategy to use in those social situations such as:

1. Using a key phrase to alert him of his memory problem like “It’s memory time again”
2. Use physical prompts like a touch on the wrist if his memory wanders
3. Engage in conversation, or
4. Make moves to minimize physical contact or sight like sitting him with his back to her

I would also encourage him to reduce the phone contacts with her as they only maintain the emotional memories and don’t give them time to gradually fade.

These emotional memories get a lot of folks in trouble. They are a record of feelings that were present in the past, not always feelings in the present. They can also be misinterpreted as “I must still love him/her”. He shouldn’t be defensive if you focus on his behavior and reaction rather than his feelings. If the ex-girlfriend is encouraging his recollections, then you’ve got another problem — an intrusive ex. If he’s interested in continuing a relationship with you, that may require another discussion.