Reader’s Question

Our son (34) has 2 children (girls: ages 12 and 9) from a previous marriage that live with him. He also has a son (6) from a previous on and off relationship with another woman.

His ex-wife does not want the 12 yr old to live with her and has told her that. She has said she only wants the 9 yr old. When both girls do go to visit their mother, she has been verbally abusive to the 12 yr old. The 12 yr old feels that she has to keep on trying to establish a relationship with her mother but it has failed each time.

The father treats the 12 yr old more like a built in baby sitter and maid if you will. He spends more time with the 9 yr old whom he calls his buddy. Again the 12 yr old seeks attention and acceptance from her father. He said one of the reasons he has difficulty with her is they both seem to clash with each other.

When the son comes to visit, that is the father’s main source of attention. All others are pushed aside unless he wants to go and do something, then the 12 yr old becomes the baby sitter.

For the summer the 9 yr old is going to live with her mother. My wife feels that we should have the 12 yr old live with us not only for the summer but for the next few years. This will give the 12 yr old’s father a chance to get his life together.

My wife has more or less raised these small ones off and on most of their lives, and when her son was younger and even now to a point, she has stepped and in done for things for him rather than letting him do them for himself.

My wife and I were each previously married to other people and have just been married 5 years.

My question: I feel that us taking the 12 yr old in with us would be okay for a week or two only. That with no one else in the house but the 12 yr old and her father, they could get counseling separately and work on their issues together…have an opportunity to really get to know one another and clear the air again with counseling and discover what the objections are, what is causing them and working on a resolution and solution to all of this.

By us allowing the 12 yr old to move in with us, we are not empowering the son to do anything and the chance of long term repair of their relationship is in jeopardy.

As long as the 12 yr old is not being physically abused, taken care of (shelter, food, etc) and we (mother an myself) are supportive and encourage both of them to seek counseling, would that be the best solution all around?

Thanks for your help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are correct that the best approach is to repair the relationship between the 12 y/o and her father. However, that may be unlikely at this point. By your description, both parents of the children have been lacking consistency and responsibility. Both are not recognizing their parental responsibility and seem to be more Me-focused than child-focused. Your wife, looking at the larger view of the situation, recognizes that the 12 y/o is in the dangerous position. She is trying to compensate for the love, concern, and attention the child’s parents aren’t offering.

The other issue is your relatively new marriage. Your wife’s offer to basically raise the child was probably not discussed a few years ago when you folks married. The idea of adding a 12 y/o child to your private relationship is probably uncomfortable. I’d recommend:

1. Discuss the situation with your wife. She’s wanting to do what good grandparents do. Try to reach a strategy that includes both of you. That may include, for example, keeping the child for the summer or for longer time during the summer, with her return to the father this fall.
2. Part of the strategy is to work with the child’s father as well. As a couple, you folks may need to talk to the son and discuss his problems with the 12 y/o. As she’s gotten older, she may remind him more and more of his ex-wife…something that often prompts an unconscious rejection.
3. Your wife may want to develop a special relationship with the 12 y/o. That may help due to the absence of a mother figure. They can plan and do special activities.
4. You will be called on to participate in helping the child. You can actually become an important support for this preteen.
5. It may be helpful to recommend and support counseling for the father and child.

Your wife has correctly identified the emotional and social risks present in the 12 y/o’s situation. She is offering her strategy to help. A family strategy should be developed that incorporates the father, grandmother, and now you. Children can tolerate a lot, emotionally and socially, if they know they are loved. With more family involved, this child can survive the rejection of her mother.