Reader’s Question

Dear Dr. Carver,

Thank you for your excellent work regarding determining whether one’s partner/spouse/significant other is manipulative and controlling, and how to deal with this ‘loser.’

I am in a marriage of nearly three years. We dated about one year with an 8 month engagement prior to the wedding. Before the marriage, my spouse constantly tried to keep me from seeing my only brother, with whom I am very close. She also limited the amount of time I would spend with family and friends. At first, I thought this would improve once we married, because we discussed it before the engagement, and she pledged that “if you give me time, I will come around.” Sad to say, the tendency to control has only worsened and increased. I have sought my own counseling to deal with the depression and anxiety the marriage relationship has been causing me, and to examine whether my interaction patterns (i.e. I tend to be a placater, a bit co-dependent, compassionate, and yet Christian) were enabling her to continue to act like this.

After nearly a year and one half of my own therapy (on top of four years of therapy on my own prior to the marriage), I have come to my wits’ end. My wife does not see how her need to control (i.e. limiting my time spent with family, calling me multiple times a day to check on me when I am working at a part time church music job, refusing to stay for more than a half hour or so at my family events, while staying multiple hours at hers, trying to dictate what I wear, how I wear my hair, etc.) is leading me to this. In addition, she has developed a pain disorder, which her docs have no found no organic basis for, but she often uses to draw attention to herself, etc. She also uses it to avoid doing things she doesn’t want to do.

Ultimately, while I have asked her several times for therapy, and have tried to be patient, deal with her lovingly, and support her, her medical team has suggested that she may be somatizing, and is highly histrionic. The latter can be seen whenever I confront an issue. While I bring it up gently, she cries, covers her head with blankets, or vacillates quite easily from anger to sadness. In short, I end up backing down, because the behavior will become better but for short periods.

My question is whether you think therapy will help, or is this behavior (which seems to be of the personality disorder/feature type) likely to continue on some form? I am ambivalent, but wish to do the right thing given my marriage vows.

Thanks for any information you can provide.
J.R., Michigan

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your wife’s behavior is likely associated with, as the professionals suggest, a personality disorder. The term “histrionic personality” is used to describe an individual who is excessively emotional and attention-seeking. They are viewed as “queens of drama” and use a variety of manipulations, cons, and even physical symptoms to control those around them. When confronted, they quickly become helpless victims and generate so much emotional distress that the partner usually backs off. They then resume their normal pattern as though nothing happened. Socially, when not receiving enough attention, they either leave or create a scene, which then turns attention to them. I’ve worked with histrionic personalities that can’t stand baby showers as the expectant mothers receive all the attention. Go figure.

Personality disorders are long-standing and exist in behavior. They require no enabling and most partners, like yourself, attempt different strategies and accommodations to lessen the control or drama. Over time, the need for attention increases and the drama increases. If you confront their control or demands, you will be punished. If you go against her wishes and visit your brother, she may call the rescue squad in a “spell” in your absence to make you feel guilty.

Folks in your situation are in a difficult spot. Therapy is often helpful as you have several options:

1. Gradually assert your independence in the relationship and prepare for histrionic consequences,
2. Try to involve her in marriage counseling,
3. Develop single-partner strategies that don’t involve her such as visiting your family/brother alone,
4. Develop strategies to deal with her controlling behavior such as accepting only one call per 3-hour period and choosing your own clothes, or
5. Make a difficult decision about leaving or staying in this relationship.

Keep in mind, your behavior doesn’t create this situation. As you discovered, troubling issues identified during dating increase rather than decrease once married.