Reader’s Question

I have a question regarding a relationship that I have been in for about 8 months. When I first met the person I have been dating right away I knew something was not right in that I have never dated much in my life and I am at the age of 51. I know this sounds crazy but when I was 16 years old I went with my first love and a year later we married. I was married for 19 years to her and then we ended up in a divorce. I was in a second relationship and was in this one for 3 years and then I moved on. The third relationship was like over night and I was in that one for 11 years. Now the reason I have described those is so that you can have a better idea from which you may be able to give me accurate info as far has to what I have to ask you.

As you can see the very first person I meet I end up with in a long term relationship. Now I will bring you up to speed as far as the relationships I have been in recently. I met this person about 8 months ago and this person just went crazy over me and told me that I was her true love that she had been looking for. I do want to make mention that I have never led this person on and I have repeatedly been honest with her. I decided at my age now that if I met someone new that I wouldn’t marry them right away and that I would just be orderly as far as my behavior went. I have told her many times that I just want to date, and in the beginning she was fine with that, but as the relationship went on she became more controlling and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight as far as that goes. I have been dating my ex lately and also I dated another woman for a few weeks, and the one with whom I am having problems is getting even worse. I was to a point just recently that I even broke away from her and she was cool for about a week…and then she started seeing me again and said she just wanted me happy and that if I wanted to date that it was fine with her. But she still comes over to my house and gives me sex and tells me it’s fine if I go with the other women but yet I can see the anger in her eyes when she says that stuff. Now lately she has started making up things that my ex said; I have checked with my ex, and none of the things she has stated are true. She also tries to make me feel bad by always saying little degrading remarks under her breath so to speak. Most of these are aimed at making me feel stupid or dumb. It’s so easy to see that she does these things out of low self esteem on her part — at least, this is what I feel.

My question is this, how should I handle this person with control issues; am I doing something wrong that I’m not aware of? Also how does one date more than one person? I really get confused at all this, as my record speaks for itself.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you and this person have different goals and views of the relationship. We get information from people through the way they talk and the way they behave. When both match, we have an honest, forthright person. When they don’t match, we have a problem. The wider the gap between what they tell us and the way they behave — the more serious the problem and the greater the risk in the relationship.

That said, it sounds like what she assures you is not what she believes. While she is intimate with you and tells you that dating other folks is fine — it clearly isn’t fine in her mind. She is showing signs of resentment. I doubt that she will ever be comfortable with you dating other people. While she may continue with the relationship, hoping to win you over, she will continue with a level of resentment and bitterness that will be difficult to overcome.

The problem is not being honest, but giving her a take-it-or-leave-it choice after eight months in a relationship. She has an eight-month emotional investment in the relationship and you’ve begun seeing your ex-partner and others.

To date more than one person — you should “date” several people. There is a difference between casual dating and having sexual intimacy in the relationship for example. Multiple intimate relationships is exactly that — not dating. From your description, the relationship grew and included intimacy — then you decided to engage in dating others as well. In my experience, that doesn’t work very well.

Keep in mind it is confusing at times. No matter what age we date, we’re often faced with feeling like we’re 16 years old again, worrying about the same issues, feeling jealousy and insecurity, and not knowing how to discuss things with our dates. I can only advise being more honest — providing her and others with information that will allow them to make a decision about getting involved with you. Use the truth-in-advertising approach: tell them your views. Some may stay, some may leave. Being totally honest is the best way to keep your relationships trouble-free.