Reader’s Question

Hi,

Before anything, I really appreciate the fact that you take time and effort to answer questions sent through email.

My questions are:

1. What do you think the appropriate age difference is for a couple?
2. Can the difference in religious beliefs be a problem?
3. Do you suggest relationship while you are at school and still have a long way to go while your partner has already finished school and is working?

I am a 25 y/o girl. I am a first year medical student and met a 35 y/o dentist about a month ago online. We have been talking and he insists that we meet in person and get to know each other better. He has been in 4-5 relationship at least throughout his life and I have been in NO serious ones. My parents are completely opposed to such a relationship since it has been initiated on the internet for one thing and due to difference in religious beliefs for another, but have allowed me to decide for myself. I am just afraid that I will become attached too soon and I won’t be able to decide logically later if it goes on.

What would you suggest?

Thank you very much
~ Melody

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

For a first-year medical student with no prior serious relationships, having met an older person online of a different religion — I’d have to recommend passing on this relationship. You must first realize that you don’t have a “relationship” with this 35 y/o person — you have an email relationship. In reality, you only know how he writes to you. The internet affords us the opportunity to develop a type of artificial intimacy that can be very misleading. I feel there is a lot of risk in this situation that you wouldn’t normally encounter if you simply focused on your studies and developed relationships with fellow medical students.

This 35 y/o is making moves toward you at one of the most stressful times in your life — the first year of medical school. Establishing a normal, routine romantic relationship with a college peer would be stressful enough at this stage but this situation will significantly distract you from your studies and your career. He can afford the time and energy to pursue you aggressively, while you will be overwhelmed with the requirements of medical school. Maybe it’s the paternal side of me activating here, but his history of 4-5 relationships at 35 y/o and now pursuing a college student on the internet doesn’t sound that healthy to me. It’s not very clinical, but it gives me the creeps.

This is not a matter of age or different religious beliefs. Your enrollment and achievement in a challenging academic program should be your first priority. This is a distracting situation at best, a career destructive move at the worst. Keep in mind, he could aggressively pursue this relationship to the point that your studies suffer, then move on, returning to internet surfing.

For my two cents, I’d remain email friends. I’ll bet he moves on if you don’t meet his demands to meet quickly enough. I’d recommend concentrating on your studies. You’ll have years to find Mr. Right and to meet and romance him face-to-face at school. I’m sure you’ll hear anecdotes about how these internet relationships work out…but in your studies you’ll find that anecdotal evidence is the weakest form of evidence and is unreliable and unpredictable. Stick with the odds, stay in school, and stabilize your lifestyle as a medical student before looking for Mr. Right.