Reader’s Question

What suggestions would you have for me? I need to translate the detachment points from your article on ‘The Loser’ to my situation. I’ve been married for 30 years to a passive-aggressive manipulative loser who has suicidal tendencies and is attention-seeking, watching every facial feature while he talks, gauging reactions.

When I started working 2 years ago, the kids were leaving, the focus on me was allowed to die down, and he found someone else (at church) to be attached to. It took me 2 years to figure it out. When I pointed it out before and asked for the reason he wasn’t talking or coming to bed — until I was asleep — he said it was job stress. I’m sorry to rant, I still can’t believe my idyllic world has crumbled.

When the blinders started coming off, I confronted him in Nov 06, insisted on counselling with the person of his choice and quit my job because he said I’m never home, blah blah. He refuses counselling with or without me. So now we’re broke, in debt.

I’ve been in counselling since Feb. alone and she suggests that I have to decide what I want to live with. I see her point.

I need pointers on how to detach and bide my time while the dust is settling.

I’ve stopped begging for intimacy altogether; he’s not interested. If he wants intimacy, fine, I don’t have a problem with that, he’s not abusive that way. I’m avoiding getting involved with anyone else, God knows I don’t need another baby sitting job! Evidently, I make an even lousier Baggage Handler.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What many folks do in your situation is develop an exit plan. The plan may require many months, at other times years to complete. The goal is to prepare yourself for detachment by gathering what you need in terms of job security, finances, social support, information, etc. Many people who leave a bad relationship are forced to return as they don’t have a plan, have no community support, don’t have the foundation to live independently, etc. If your partner is not aggressive or violent, the plan may have more time.

As you describe, your partner may have already detached — he just hasn’t left! He may have no “plan” at this point. However, he is somewhat comfortable and willing to accept the debt and the marital situation. Passive-aggressive folks strongly resist any suggestion for improvement unless it benefits them. For this reason, he is unlikely to try to improve the marital relationship or the current lifestyle.

I’d continue to work with your counselor. Consider developing an exit plan, return to work and establish your own income source, establish your own hobbies/interests outside of the current situation, and do you homework on what you’ll need to do if you decide to detach. As you mention, I wouldn’t start another relationship at this point. Your counselor may be a great source for the community information needed in your exit plan.