Reader’s Question

I feel like something is wrong with me and everyone knows what it is except for me. I think that they won’t say it because they think it would hurt me. People say that I am smart and they think that I am confident (which is shocking to me) but I am paranoid that the second I turn around they will say terrible things about me. This has been going on my whole life and I feel like I am always alone because I don’t trust anyone to not think or say terrible things. I’m 29 and I am married with 2 boys; I don’t want them to be controlled by worrying what people think like I am but I have no idea how to break the cycle. I actually called a long time friend that I haven’t spoken to in a long time and begged her to tell me what is wrong with me. I just think that if I knew, I could fix it and be happy…help!

I just read your article on dating losers and I know that I am married to one. He is the loser that breaks things, is never wrong and says nasty things to me. I think that I may be the loser that attaches too easily and quickly but I am such a mess now that I have no idea if I am just convinced of the abusive things that he says about me or if there is something that I need to work on. We have 2 small boys and I am scared to be a single parent at 29 but I am torn because I know that our relationship is damaging my children. I don’t know what to do.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are several situations that may be producing your feelings and social shyness. When you say this has been going on all your life, that creates a suspicion of a pattern of childhood insecurities, perhaps produced by hypercritical parents or an abusive family situation. It’s also possible that your feelings and concerns are part of a personality pattern. Shyness, for example, when amplified by stress or depression, can be extremely uncomfortable and produce the symptoms you describe. Stress, depression, and marital/work problems all increase and exaggerate our normal personality and attitudes. Shy, socially-sensitive folks become almost people-phobic and avoidant under stress or depression.

The marital situation may also contribute to your feelings and attitudes. Spouses who throw things and are verbally abusive or demeaning are actually intimidating. They chip away at our self-esteem and self-confidence.

Overall, I would recommend seeking a therapist or counselor. You need to sort out what part of your symptoms are related to your personality (you may be normally introverted/shy for example) and what symptoms are related to the marital situation or a possible depression or anxiety disorder. There is help available but your first step will be to seek professional consultation.