Reader’s Question

Hi, I know this is a little long but please take time to read this and please help me out. I am 25 years old and have been married for 1 and a half years and have no kids yet. I am very happy in my married life. My husband loves me a lot, and I love him a lot. But there is only one point where our views collide and it has become an issue of serious fights between us. We are from a Hindu Indian family. We have lived here in the USA for 1 year, and my husband earns and I used to stay at home. His earning is enough but I always try to figure out, what are the savings of my husband. But he is not ready to tell me about this. He used to say “whatever you need you ask me and I will bring it for you but this is my personal thing and I don’t want to discuss it with anybody including you and also I don’t want to drag you into financial matters”. Then I feel very bad when he used to reply like that. I feel that I am not a kind or that I am also a part of family. I think this is my right that I should be aware about my family earnings. He used to send money to his parents back to home in India. He never told this to me, but really I appreciate this. But he cares about me a lot, loves me a lot, and also money is not a problem between us. This thing used to create a clash between me and my husband . Please help me to figure this out, whether I am wrong to keep asking the same thing that he doesn’t want to dicuss with me. Or my husband’s thinking is wrong. I need your guidance; please help me, I really want to figure out who is wrong between us. I feel that he is wrong and he is egotistic in regards to his money and his thinking is wrong. I just want to know about our future but he used to reply me that I am much more aware about our family’s future so leave everything on me. But I don’t know I really hate this thing that he almost shouts at me when I ask about his bank balance or our savings. I really hate this. Please help me. What do I have to do to come out with this situation? Remember, we both love each other a lot.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is a situation that may have cultural as well as marital issues. Your husband may be managing all the finances because he feels that is his role and responsibility in the marriage. Some men also believe this because it is the family model — his father managed the money and his grandfather managed the money. Some cultural and religious beliefs may be influencing his behavior. There are some religious groups in the USA that believe the man is the head of the house and should make all decisions.

From your situation, especially in the US, married couples often share information and access to the family finances. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to understand family finances and money activity. In the US for example, both husband and wife are considered equally responsible for all financial and legal matters in the marriage.

I’ve seen hundreds of examples of problems that develop when financial information is not shared or when finances are controlled by only one partner. While you are from India, living in the US creates a need to consider legal and other issues.

The goal of sharing marital financial information and access is not suspiciousness, control, distrust — it’s safety! When only one member of a marriage has control of the finances, the family is not financially safe. For example, if your husband became ill or injured on a business trip 1,000 miles away — you have no access to family funds to travel to his side.

If you both love each other, remind him that taking care of you is making you feel safe. I’d approach the issue from the view — “We live in the US. I need to feel safe here. We need to share information that allows us to live safely here.” Many couples have “financial emergency” funds. My wife and I both carry a credit card everywhere — just in case we need emergency money.

Another approach might be to talk with people of your religion and culture who have lived in the US for many years. They may have experienced similar concerns and come to agreements. Again, approach this with love and understanding, focusing on the need to live safer and more financially secure.