Reader’s Question

I have two girls; they are 2 and 3, and I have noticed that they play with themselves. I have also noticed they are really raw. I need to know if my babies are being molested, and what other signs I should be looking for.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s unlikely that your children have been molested. Young children often play with themselves — although we call it self-stimulate. Think of it as finding body parts. When infants notice their hand in front of their face, they chew on their fingers. When they find their toes — there they go again. When children find their genitals, they play with them as well. Pediatricians view this behavior as self-calming or self-comforting.

While making parents embarrassed or uncomfortable, this is a very common behavior in children. It is not a sexual behavior as much as a calming and relaxing behavior from the child’s perspective. It is not an indication that your children have been abused. As you mentioned, however, they can engage in this behavior to the point that they become sore/raw which only prompts them to pay more attention to the body site. You may need to consult with a pediatrician about the soreness as infections can occur.

The rawness must be treated first. After that,

1. Relax. This is common in young children. It typically goes away although it may resurface in children when tired (puts them to sleep) or when stressed (calming action).
2. Don’t Overreact.
3. Politely move their hand away and distract them to something else.
4. Develop cue words (We’re not home sweetheart, etc.) with the older child that would draw her attention to her behavior — especially in public. Children don’t realize they’re doing this most of the time.
5. Explore possible sources of skin irritation in the home such as cloth diapers with a harsh detergent. Any allergy history?

All children engage in this behavior to some degree. Almost all children have behaviors that are self-stimulating (rocking for example) or self-calming (hair-twirling). This is one of many stages that children go through.