Reader’s Question

So I eloped with an old friend (we’ll call him Charlie) almost a month ago. That alone is something most people consider insane…but I’m happy with my decision, and I’ll be moving down south with him in about a month. We’ll both be attending college. This is probably the best decision I’ve made for myself in quite awhile, even if it was spur-of-the moment. Most people saw it coming, actually. My parents and friends are all very happy/optimistic about it. All but one…which brings us to the real issue.

I have a platonic friend from school…we’ll call him Jack. I’ve always made it abundantly clear that we’d always just be friends, especially after he mentioned once that he liked me more than a friend. He’s not the most emotionally stable person, and doesn’t have the best support system at home, and I’d listen to him whenever he needed to vent. I was trying to be a friend, y’know? He’s the very smart, but overweight & socially awkward type of guy. Introvert, but funny & friendly when you get to know him. The only serious relationship he ever had lasted 8 months, and the girl, we’ll call Jill, really messed him up. Cheated, was emotionally abusive, the whole she-bang. That was back in ’05. He’s still not over it, still literally cries about it. Wishes hateful, awful things upon her and her new beau. He sincerely wishes he could kill her, if he could get away with it, though he said he wouldn’t act on it. But when he gets upset, he talks about how unfair it is that Jill gets to be happy while he’s alone. Wishes that he could take that away from her. I’ve tried to explain to him that happiness doesn’t depend on others, you have to go out and find things in life that make you happy. No girl’s gonna bring HAPPINESS on a plate to him. Of course I know that’s all easier said than done… I’ve suggested he see a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist…but he refuses…thinks they won’t be able to help at all…”what’s the point?” He’s extremely pessimistic about every aspect of life in general. However, he calls himself a realist. I don’t know how to help someone like that find hope in anything. I’ve lost people in my life, and so I’m just happy being able to wake up in the morning. I know that’s not the way a lot of people can function. I just know I can’t help Jack by myself…

He talks about killing himself often lately. And only to me. He says he tried to last month. Also he says that, 3 days ago, after I told him I got married, he put his father’s gun to his head, and, it “felt right.” See, after I’d told him I got married, he burst into tears, trembling, hardly able to breathe…and said he was in love with me. Has been since he met me. Can’t bear for me to move away. I’m one of his only friends. He wanted to be with me. I felt so bad, and apologized. I love him only as a friend, and have always made that very, very clear, because I know he’s really emotionally needy & sensitive & I never wanted to hurt him or mislead him. I wanted to be a friend, because he doesn’t have a lot.

Well, I hung out with him today. Thursday. I told him on Monday about the marriage. He’s still a wreck about it. Wants to die. I literally talked to him for hours about it, trying to convince him it’s not the answer. I don’t know what to do. I’m the only one who he tells this stuff to. He really, really doesn’t want me to go. Asks me to stay — with him. I love the kid to death as a friend, but to some degree, aside from being worried about his mental health/welfare, & whether or not he’ll act on these suicidal ideations, I’m starting to feel a little afraid — for myself. People at college had said in the past that he was obsessed with me, and I just brushed it off, knowing he kind of had a “crush” on me, but I figured he understood we were friends & he always seemed to respect that boundary without complaint. We were just friends, and it didn’t seem like there was any sort of problem with that. I just figured people were, you know, not quite getting it, and didn’t literally mean “obsessed” when they’d say that. But now I’m wondering…what if he is? Talking with him tonight, there was an unsettling sense of urgency & desperation in his voice. I stayed standing in the room the whole time we talked. I only do that when I’m nervous…and don’t feel entirely safe. I haven’t even moved down south yet. I’m worried…that when that time comes, in about 6 weeks, that when I come by to say goodbye, he’s going to hurt himself…or maybe even me. Just by the way he talks now about the last and only other girl he “loved”…I’m just kind of afraid in general. I don’t know what I should do about this…or who to talk to…we’re both 22 years old. It was easier when I was a kid…just tell a grown-up. Now I’m supposed to be one…and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I never meant to hurt my friend. I never even knew he felt so strongly…at all. I don’t want something bad to happen…

Any ideas? What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Jack has put all his eggs in one basket. He’s looking to you for friendship, platonic love, support, etc. Sadly, he’s only looking at what he needs, not your needs or desires. He’s trying to hold you hostage with threats of suicide.

Prior to leaving the area, you’ll need to gradually detach from Jack. Move your conversations from hours at his place to public places or phone calls — decreasing both the risk and the intensity. Emphasize to Jack that these next months are a passage for both of you — your marriage and his opportunity to have a different life that’s not wrapped-up in one person. Remind him that you need support in your new life and that as a friend, he should be happy that you are happy.

In younger years, it would have been easier to “tell a grown-up”. In this case, you’re the grown-up. Jack is operating at a very selfish and immature level and will need grown-up information and support. Encourage him to make adult-level decisions in this situation. If he’s experiencing depression or having difficulty handling this situation, he should do exactly what you have done — seek professional consultation. Focus on his need to find a healthy strategy here. Assure him the friendship will continue at a distance through email, phone, etc.

It’s also helpful to remind him that having been in love in the past is evidence that his emotional equipment is working. For this reason, he can fall in love again. You developed a new relationship with your husband and will soon enter a new lifestyle. Jack has the potential to do the same.

When he discusses the symptoms of stress and depression such as sleep disturbance or suicide thoughts, emphasize the need for professional help in those areas. I can’t advise that you meet with him for emergency or crisis intervention at night. Keep those contacts on the phone. You’ll need to recognize that if you feel unsafe, you are both consciously and subconsciously detecting behaviors and moods that cause you to be alarmed. Pay attention to your alarms and use safe strategies when you have contact with him.

You haven’t done anything wrong here. You’ve been a good friend, honest, and upfront. Your life has moved on…it’s the adult world. Hopefully this event will improve both lives in the long run.