Reader’s Question

Our 10-year-old boy refuses to sleep alone all of a sudden. He shares a room with his sister, and they have bunk beds. He has always been very difficult to get to sleep. He always procrastinates. But now he is insisting on sleeping in his sister’s bed. She is 8 and hates to sleep with him. If we do not allow it, he cries for hours, and if we do allow it she gets upset. What is the best thing to do? Let him sleep with her or not? They have a night light and also fall asleep with the television on, but it is on the weather channel and is on mute.

LB

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I sometimes think The Weather Channel puts more people to sleep than the Sandman…just kidding. Your son is probably experiencing stress of some kind — that typically produces the sudden change in personality or behavior. While children talk all the time, they have poor articulation when it comes to emotions, feelings, fears, etc. Instead, they exhibit “regressive behaviors” — a term used to describe a return to an earlier state of development or in this case, insecurity. Under stress or when they’ve witnessed a stressful event, children often lose their confidence in sleeping, being in the dark, being alone, etc. They become fearful, clinging, often baby talk, and won’t leave the house. They worry that something will happen to their parents. They develop stomach and headaches.

If this is a recent development, ask yourself some questions. Has he been a witness to something that might be stressful to him? Has he overheard parental arguments? Does he have a physical problem or medical symptom that has terrified him? Has he been traumatized in the community — bullied, threatened, etc.? Has he started puberty and not told anyone? Children often witness or experience adult-level situations but don’t know how to emotionally handle them. A parent who says “With the price of gasoline, we won’t be able to buy food!” may accidentally frighten the child.

Situations also happen to children that they don’t understand. Years ago a neighbor brought a note written by their 12-year-old daughter for my review. The girl talked about going to miss her parents, wished she’d been able to attend high school, and didn’t know how much longer she would live. She had started her menses and thought she was slowly bleeding to death. Her parents had thought she was still too young for that “sensitive” discussion prior to the note.

You’ll need to talk to your son about recent events and stressful experiences. He should continue to sleep alone. You can turn the Weather Channel off mute and keep it at a low level — it provides a distraction from worried thoughts. If he still cries, allow him to pitch a sleeping bag in the living room. You don’t want to allow behaviors that will be even more difficult to correct in the future. Assure him that everyone has stressful periods and how they pass. Use examples in your own life — new job, relocations, etc.

If his behavior continues, referral to a counselor may be helpful.