Reader’s Question

Hi! I recognize many of the indicators of a loser in my ex-girlfriend. The problem is that I recognize some of them from my own behaviour. How can two losers break up?! It seems impossible. My girlfriend has broken up 5 times in the 7 months we’ve been together, but has always come back. She calls me three hours later saying: I just want to say goodnight, darling. This last time I told her there is no coming back and decided that it’s over. I miss her all the time and my focus in my mind is always on her. I still love her, although I know from the bottom of my heart that we would have two horrible years together and then break up. I decided that it’s better to break up now and just skip the two horrible years. Now she will not even talk to me or accept any form of contact. I just can’t break up like a teenager, I’m too old for that. I´m 58 and she is 42. I have called her once to ask her how she is since I heard from a mutual friend that she is depressed. I can’t stand her being depressed; if I could just explain to her why I will not continue towards the inevitable catastrophe… She has hurt me a lot and I may have hurt her as well. She is very sensitive and one does not know from dusk till dawn whether we are a couple or not. She is always hurt by anything one says, such as if I say “My woman” she will hit back with a comment like: “I’m not your woman, you can’t own someone. You have a problem there and you ought to seek professional help for that.” Enough now! What can I do? Am I or is she the victim?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Based on your description, I think you are correct in your projection that this relationship would be a catastrophe. Her behaviors suggest a type of personal instability that a relationship can’t fix or even partially repair. Individuals with these behaviors live their life in a constant state of self-created drama and crisis. The term “histrionic personality” is often used to describe these characteristics.

In this situation, anything you do or attempt to do will be misinterpreted and used against you. Most relationships move toward a place of love and harmony. This relationship would only move toward more theatrical drama and turmoil.

Such relationships have a certain attraction as they are often very exciting — almost from the beginning. While the romance is exciting, that excitement soon begins to show itself in all situations; a phone call becomes a crisis, a glance at someone in public becomes a temper tantrum, or something you say or didn’t say creates a crisis that lasts for several days.

It’s very mature and wise to recognize that certain folks aren’t a “good fit” in a relationship. If the situation becomes toxic, it doesn’t help any side to remain in the relationship. In a sense, you are both victims in this relationship. However, two people with the flu can’t cure each other — they just keeping passing the misery back and forth.