Reader’s Question

I have just recently discovered that I was sexually abused in my youth (4-6 years old). When I think about it I am distressed, I feel sad and I feel that there is no justice for the victim. I also feel very mad at the whole situation. I know those feelings are normal and I imagine that as I talk about this in groups or individual therapy it will help. Unfortunately, I have another problem, which I had forever and only now I know the possible cause of it. I find very distressing any signs of sexual interest from a male. Also I cannot reconcile the idea that love and sex can go together. For me sex is a bad thing. I also know this is normal, but of course, as you can imagine, I affects my life a lot.

When I think of the abuse, and only then, I feel that I am worth less than others. Generally speaking my mood is good and stable. I mean, when I don’t think of the abuse, I get about my daily routine, I work, I study part-time and I am generally optimistic. When I am with friends, I am happy. It’s just that I get those bouts of depression when I think of the abuse, and I lay around thinking about it and feeling terrible. Then I get up and do things and see people and I don’t think about it for awhile. This as well I would like to not have in my life.

I would like to know your opinion on what I am going through: is it a personality disorder, a depression, or just consequences of abuse? Also, I would like to know in your opinion if you think this will eventually go away after doing some group therapy on incest. I have registered for groups, but they only start in November. I would really appreciate your opinion on the subject.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you are describing works similar to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Traumatic events create Emotional Memories (EM). These EM contain both the details and the strong emotions at the time of the experience. Thus, as you’ve noticed, recalling a trauma memory also recalls a tremendous amount of bad feelings. After a while, Emotional Memory is activated by events in our life that are similar (e.g., sexual interest by the opposite sex).

There’s another aspect to your Emotional Memory. Memories not only contain emotions of the time — but emotions we have created related to the traumatic event. Since discovering your abuse, you have experienced an explosion of emotions — anger, hatred, despair, etc. All those emotions are now bundled into the original EM. Imagine experiencing a near-miss with lightning. After your initial fright, you might tell yourself “Wow, that was close!” However, as you think about it, you begin to add emotions related to “I could have been killed. My children would have no mother. I would miss my family. Etc. Etc.” From that point, any reference to lightning brings up all the thoughts and emotions that you felt after the event. It’s a double whammy.

Your situation is very common. You have your reaction to the event, combined with your feelings about the incident that came afterward. For example, there’s a different emotional response with 1) a divorce, and 2) a divorce, then later finding our your spouse had been having a fling while you were married.

Emotional Memory is the reason you can be emotionally fine when not thinking of the situation. That’s also why you can distract yourself and pull out of the Emotional Memory — a technique by the way. This is not a significant psychiatric illness, personality disorder, etc. It is a pattern we find when there is a history of emotional and/or physical trauma…or as you say, the consequences of abuse. Keep in mind that contrary to the old saying — Time doesn’t heal Things. Actions on your part, understanding and working with your emotional memory, can heal however.

I’d recommend reading my article on EM. Practice the techniques. Watch how your emotional memory system works. You seem mentally healthy otherwise and for that reason, I’d actually hesitate enrolling in an abuse-recovery group if you can understand and handle the situation yourself or through individual counseling/therapy. While such groups are helpful in many cases, repetitive reliving of your abuse may accidentally sustain your misery rather than cure it. We discovered years ago that under certain circumstances, if the group is not treatment and fix-the-problem oriented, the experience my perpetuate the problem.