Reader’s Question

Hi, I have known my emotionally/financially abusive, controlling husband/ex-husband for 17 years. Married for 13 years. I divorced him the 8th time I left him. We are divorced now, and I am back with him for 6 months. I see red flags. I want and need to leave him again. I just started therapy and DBT also. I have an escape plan. I vacillate, feel sorry for hurting him by leaving again. Is there any hope for me to finally end this horrible 17 years and detach from him for good?

Peace.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This sounds like a mutually unstable relationship in which both participants take turns creating the drama and maintaining the instability. If you think about it — both of you probably see the red flags waving — but both ignore them. In reality, you know when you return that his behavior won’t change, and he knows when you come back that you’ll probably leave again. For this tormenting and destructive relationship to end — somebody must get stable. From your description, it sounds like you’re trying to stabilize your life with treatment, an escape plan, etc.

To successfully detach from him, here are some guidelines:

• Recognize that he has no investment in improving the relationship or in you stabilizing and getting better. He may actually undermine your attempts to feel better. This relationship isn’t based on anyone feeling good.
• Recognize that your thinking process and attitudes keep you in the relationship. You’ve returned over 8 times so it’s clear your way of reasoning this situation out isn’t working. Rather than follow what you think and feel in this situation, follow the advice of responsible adults and professionals around you. If I’m color-blind, I’ll need some colorful folks to help me shop for clothes.
• Make the best exit plan you can. Enlist the help of others in making your plan. Others may think of things you haven’t thought of in the plan.
• Assume he’s going to be emotionally hurt when you leave. In truth, he’s prepared for that. You will hurt also. Leaving is a miserable experience, but the situation is like knee surgery. You can have knee surgery and be very miserable for a short time — then fine — or not have surgery for a bad knee and walk with pain and a limp the rest of your life. Most folks logically select the surgery and go through the intense misery in hopes of being well. What you are doing now is experiencing that knee surgery every 6 months.
• Support him in his efforts to stabilize his life situation, but remind him it’s for his benefit, not the relationship.
• Recognize that you may not have much in the way of family and friend support. Frequent returns to an abusive relationship will exhaust family and friends to the point that they often offer little help.
• I’ve outlined other detachment recommendations in my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. I’d read those guidelines and use them as well.

The relationship will be what it has always been. You, on the other hand, can learn, heal, and finally obtain the “peace” you seek in your closing comment.