Reader’s Question

I’m 60 years old but look and feel 40. I’ve been widowed 5.5 years and have a variety of male friends I could date BUT none of them appeal to me. I usually end up with some jerk if I do decide on someone. What’s wrong with me?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The key here is your comment about healthy male friends “but none of them appeal to me”. We are often attracted to people because of the way they make us feel. If you look and feel 40, you may not be attracted to people who make you feel your age for example. You may feel more active, energetic, full of adventure, or carefree than most of your male friends. When you look at people who are energetic, active, interested in adventure, and carefree — they turn out to be jerks. Why is that you ask?

Physically and emotionally healthy folks can do all the things you might be interested in, from age 40-60. However, they are active and seek adventure in episodes — while a “jerk” does all those things as a lifestyle. Jerks can be always active, always seeking adventure, etc. because they are lacking in responsibility, make shallow relationships, and have minimal concern for those around them. After a divorce or death of a spouse, folks often want to return to socializing and often find “jerks” who are willing to party at the drop of a hat. Only later do we realize they party often because they are alcoholics or have significant personality problems.

You will also find that Jerks are very appealing at first. They come on strong, definite, and often overwhelm their dating partners with a variety of well-rehearsed behaviors, “lines”, and adventures. They are uninhibited and socially active, often an appealing feature at first. As the relationship progresses, we then discover they are manipulative, emotionally shallow, and abusive — a jerk. Normal, healthy people just don’t warm up that fast as they recognize they must be careful when dating. I’ve written a handout on “jerks” called Identifying Losers in Relationships, available on this website. Quick romantic warmup is very appealing but remember, most things in life that “sweep us away” are hurricanes, tornados and floods.

In short, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are probably having difficulty with partner selection. Review your list of priorities in a dating partner and identify those “appealing” characteristics that are getting you into trouble. Also experiment. Some folks try dating someone who comes highly recommended yet may only partially appeal to them. Finding a great person is most often accomplished through introduction by a mutual friend. Be careful out there.