Reader’s Question

My question is about my father. For as long as I can remember, I didn’t want to say goodbye to him or stand next to him in church. That would mean he would give me a hug, but instead of putting his head over my shoulder, as in a typical hug, he put his head against the skin of my neck. It felt very inappropriate. Recently, his eyes have been unable to stop looking at my breasts when we speak. Also, he walked in on me when I was on the toilet, and he remained standing in the doorway, stammering apologies, looking at me.

Most disturbing was a dream I had. The night before I was returning to my boyfriend of nine years after visiting my parents and siblings, my father did not want me to go. He said, “You think you love him, but you don’t.” He had a phone confrontation with my boyfriend and I heard my father say, “Does looking at my daughter make your d— hard?” Hearing him say this, I felt disgusted and numb. How could my father speak about me this way?

That night, I dreamed that my father was pulling me forcibly by the wrist to his bedroom. He was naked; I was screaming for Charlie. That was the end of the dream, but it still crosses my mind six months later. Do you think this dream was my mind’s way of warning me to stay away from my father? I don’t remember any sexual abuse from him, but always felt that the way he hugged me was the wrong way for a father to do that. What are your thoughts on all of this?

I appreciate your time and thoughtful advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your father’s behavior is clearly inappropriate and disrespectful. From a mental health standpoint, we often find this behavior and attitude in several situations:

• You didn’t mention his age, but sexually inappropriate behaviors and comments are often early signs of dementia or other age-related neurological conditions. The clinical term is disinhibition or a weakening of social controls.
• Your father may also have long-standing personality issues. Immaturity is not related to age, and he is exhibiting a type of male-adolescent locker-room mentality and attitude. If it’s personality, this behavior will be only one of many other behaviors that suggest a disrespect for women in general and a disregard for the feelings of others. We often see such behavior in Narcissistic Personality for example. The street term for his behavior is “jerk”.
• Your father may also be bringing home a workplace attitude. Many jobs and job sites are “sexualized” and considered high-testosterone environments where sexual comments, behaviors, and even offensive attitudes are tolerated. If he is working in such an environment, he may be bring the “male bonding” behavior home as evidenced by his comment to your boyfriend.

Keep in mind that his behavior is unrelated to you in a psychological sense and is also not likely associated with abuse. If he has personality issues, for example, he is likely to take any opportunity for a sexualized encounter. This behavior will also increase if he is using alcohol or even antianxiety medications — again related to disinhibition. You may 1) Have a heart-to-heart discussion with him. While he’ll deny any inappropriate intentions, the discussion will put him on alert about his behavior. It will also provide you a focus point that allows you to give him “the look” if his misbehavior surfaces again. 2) Keep your physical distance and develop strategies to deal with his behavior.