Reader’s Question

I “stumbled” to your website after clicking a link on another site, and I am glad I did. The Dating a Loser section relates very well to what I am going through.

My story — I am in the process of ending a relationship that should never have started. I am hoping my story and my questions will help others in possibly similar situations. My girlfriend (and I use this term loosely) was a long term friend. She had just ended her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Actually, it was a very ugly situation with her ex stalking and threatening to murder her. She was able to get a restraining order against him. Around the time she was dealing with her restraining order, she spent a lot of time with my family — my mom was briefly staying with me while recovering from surgery. She offered all sorts of help and practically gave herself to my family. Like any person with a heart, I was very drawn to her.

We started hanging around a lot and before long our friendship quickly turned into a dating situation. I could not have been happier. It was only a few months before things started changing. She quickly became verbally abusive and started pulling away. The more she pulled away, the more I tried to please her because I thought there was something bad I did to her. I would take care of her yard and offer to run all sorts of errands for her. When she lost her job, I talked to several people at my job and she is currently working there — different department so I don’t have to deal with her, thank God. Her angry outbursts have become so frequent that I decided to end this relationship four months ago. I am even afraid to talk to her because of her temper and I am lucky to get a chance to speak.

Interestingly, I recently learned that she was in another relationship which involved a restraining order against another guy. She hardly gets along with anyone. She really doesn’t have any close friends except one who has her laundry list of ex boyfriend drama. In addition, I have seen her treat wait staff, hotel workers and customer service reps on the phone very very poorly. Simply, sixteen out of twenty signs of Dating a Loser describe my situation.

What tips can you give me to make sure this does not happen again? I am a sucker when it comes to damsels in distress. What kind of timeframe do I need before I start dating again? What, if any, tips can you give me now that she is working at my job? Most people know we are a couple and I am sure they will be curious what is going on.

I hope my story helps others in possibly the same situation.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As I mention in the Loser article, most relationships have that “honeymoon” period. To keep this from happening again, review the characteristics I mention in my article — several of which have to do with the history and reputation of the individual. With each Loser indicator, our risk in the relationship increases. When we see Loser features surface early in the relationship, it’s best to call it quits at that time rather than wait until things get much worse.

On the job, I’d recommend using a “press release” — a memorized paragraph of about four sentences that is vague, doesn’t include blaming statements, and doesn’t mention anything personal. Something like “We dated for a while. You know how that goes. Sometimes it doesn’t work out.” While on the job, keep conversation at the grocery store level — “Hi, how’s the job”, and move on. She may still consider you on back burner and for this reason, you might want to read some of the discussion group entries on the Loser and Stockholm Syndrome articles on this website. You can start dating any time, but I’d keep it low-key for awhile. Losers are highly offended if they feel they’ve been replaced as they want to be the person who controls the relationship.

Keep in mind there’s nothing wrong with rescuing a damsel in distress. Concern, Love, and Romance rescues millions of people. We just need to remember that sometimes the damsel is actually the dragon.