Reader’s Question

I have been married to a loser for 25 years. We have three sons, and I also worked together with him; we owned a restaurant together. I have started to feel a lot of fear, panic and anxiety lately because I sensed the abuse was escalating and in danger of becoming physical. I felt in danger. My fear and panic caused me to not be able to be in the same house or at work with him. I told him everything — that I was afraid of him, that he was verbally abusive and had a past that had physical violence. I told him if he didn’t leave the house immediately, I would have a nervous breakdown, which was not lying either. I was suffering. He promised he would go to therapy and change. He wasn’t getting it. I wanted him out: there was no more trust, only fear that scared me even more. With my dad’s help we convinced him to leave the house or I would break down. He left the day before, but unfortunately there is going to be a lot of contact until it’s all done, because he still has things here at the house, and I have to get someone to replace my part in the restaurnat. I am scared. I feel like I lost my whole world and I feel lonely. Should I see a psychologist to repair damage or do you think time will heal? Some therapists do not understand the dynamics behind these kind of relationships. I live in northwest Connecticut, USA. I see a counselor in the domestic violence shelter in the area. Is that enough or should I go to a psychologist? Your article about losers has been so helpful. He had all those signs when we were dating, and I took them for real love. I feel so stupid and naive and I am shocked at how expensively I had to pay for that mistake. I wanted to leave him from the start, but the child, the social and traditional pressures — and later the fear of his reaction — all scared me to stay still, frozen, paralyzed in fear.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you’ve discovered, there are no easy and quick solutions to an abusive/controlling marriage. Staying in the marriage is miserable and leaving the relationship is miserable, although in a different way. However, staying in the marriage is permanently miserable while the misery of leaving is short-term with the option of a peaceful life from that point on.

The counselor at the abuse shelter is great. However, they are often untrained in recognizing mental health issues that often accompany a separation — the most frequent being depression. At this point in your life, the relationship has emotionally exhausted you. You are likely to be very depressed, your self-esteem is very low, and you are overwhelmed by the stressors of the separation. I would recommend reviewing the symptoms of depression and if you have them, consult your family physician. He/She can provide antidepressant medications that will be helpful during this difficult time. Your physician may also refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist in your area for additional treatment and support. You’ve made a major change in your life and need the support from several sources at this time.