Reader’s Question

I have told a series of lies. I lied to my boss and he of course found out and things in the office are not as good as they should be. I am feeling really bad about myself up to a point of hating myself. I really need your help because I want to build my self esteem… I need to know how to feel good about myself, I need to help myself up again and I also need to know how I can make this bad habit of having petty petty lies stop.

Thank you and best regards.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As we deal with everyone in our environment, lying is one of many strategies and tools we use. For most folks, the lying is very small and petty, as when a co-worker asks what you think of her new boyfriend and you are trying to be polite and not offend her. Lying becomes a major problem when we use that behavior frequently, in work situations, when true honesty is needed, and when it harms others.

Some folks lie for psychological reasons. For some, lying is a behavior that was used at another time as a survival strategy, perhaps in an abusive upbringing or relationship. For others, as you mention, they want to increase their self-esteem or credentials. There are also some folks who are professional liars — con-artists, manipulators, etc.

If we are trying to build self-esteem, lying creates the opposite in emotionally healthy individuals. Look at the situations in which you feel the need to lie. What’s the goal of the lying? Is it to avoid some negative consequence or gain something? For lies already told, as in your work situation, you will need to regain trust by maintaining honesty and avoiding further lies. To feel good about yourself, build your self-confidence by being honest. Keep in mind that we don’t need to lie if being honest is uncomfortable.

You need to develop the social skill to be honest in uncomfortable situations at work, with friends, etc. People with that skill do well in life. It’s better to be honest and face the consequences in most situations rather than face the consequences eventually plus be considered dishonest and untrustworthy.

To deal with a series of lies, you may need a press-release. A press-release is a memorized statement that is honest but does not contain personal details. When anything is mentioned about the lies, you might reply “That situation got out of hand and I tried to handle it in the wrong way. I should have been upfront from the beginning. I think I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I hope I don’t have a lot of these lessons in the future.”