Reader’s Question

I have been in a crisis for about three months now. My boyfriend’s mother is really jealous of me, and she is trying for compete with me in winning by boyfriend’s love. When I said something to her she was very defensive and said she was joking, and my boyfriend doesn’t see anything wrong with this situation even though I have been crying to him for the past two weeks about the situation. Do I have a problem or is it her, and what can I do do help the problems?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your boyfriend’s mother isn’t competing with you for your boyfriend’s love — she already has it. She’s his Mom (Mum in England). The problem is sharing his love between two important women in his life. That’s what the competition is about. It’s not uncommon for jealously to surface in this situation. Your entrance into his life is threatening the table-of-organization. Mom is threatened by your influence and isn’t sure how much you’re willing to share her son. You are likewise threatened by her closeness to him and what you see as attempts to keep him closer to her. You will be upset by her motherly comments and behaviors, as though she is trying to manipulate him or cater to him. Mom sees you as someone who has the ability to pull her son away from her. In the midst of all this jealously and threat — Your boyfriend and Her son is probably clueless. Everything looks normal from his standpoint — Mom loves him and You love him.

To successfully deal with this situation, you need to recognize her position and make her feel safe. Talk to her woman-to-woman about him. Develop a positive relationship with her, letting her know that the two of you will be sharing him. Focus the humor on him rather than you or Mom. You’d be surprised how little joking comments to her like “Has he always been this messy?” will help.

In truth, you both have his love. Mom is facing handing over her son to another woman. Mom wants to be assured she will not be cut-out of his future and that she can still find out about how he’s doing by talking to you. By working on your relationship with her, you assure that she will support you in the future as the relationship progresses.