Reader’s Question

Help! I don’t know who would be best to help my marriage that is just about to crumble. My husband and I have been married almost 19 years, and he recently found out about an affair I had about 14 years ago. My infidelity and lies have obviously nearly destroyed our marriage, but we both want to save it. What kind of therapist or counselor would be best for us? Are there any types of degrees we would want this person to have? Who/what kind of practices should we avoid? Please help. We also don’t have a lot of money to spend and do not have medical insurance. Can you give any suggestions or should we just walk away now before more damage is done?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your situation is not unusual. Repairing the marriage is complicated because:

1. While the “news” of the affair is 14 years old for you, it’s brand new for your husband.
2. In his reaction, despite it being 14 years ago, will feel like it happened last week.
3. There’s an urge on his part to want to know all the details — something that will actually make repairing the marriage more difficult.
4. Many counselors will want to explore the “what happened” of 14 years ago, like taking a history of the problem. Again something that may create more damage.

If we think about what is needed in this situation, it’s not a therapeutic dealing with the details of the affair — that was 14 years ago. Rather, we need an understanding that you were less mature 14 years ago, made a mistake, and have been a faithful wife since that time. A pastoral counselor might be your best bet — focusing on forgiveness rather than trying to understand the details and circumstances of an affair of 14 years ago. If your husband wants to keep the marriage, he’ll need to focus on understanding and forgiveness rather than the why, where, when, etc.

The focus should be on how you are now as a couple. In truth, your marriage survived that affair and continued for the next 14 years. That’s quite an accomplishment.

Therapists that offer brief treatment models are also helpful. They tend to focus on the here-and-now and are often more repair-oriented than analyzing.

This is a dangerous time for your marriage. Don’t discuss it every night. If necessary, select an hour a week to discuss it and stick to the schedule. If it comes up earlier, remind each other of the schedule. Your husband will be hurt, angered, and resentful. This is a normal reaction to this discovery. Don’t defend yourself excessively and try not to become angry in return. This is a time for teamwork.