Reader’s Question

I am a 52-year-old widow who has just recently started dating once again. I met a man who is 55 and divorced. When we first met and started dating he told me that he was retired, so he has a lot of time on his hands. After a couple of dates I invited him to my home and little by little he has found fault with many things, from the way I groom my dogs, my house keeping habits (which I always thought were good). He brings over little things to keep my home tidy, such as spray cleaners and dust mops that reach up to the ceiling to clean those hard to reach cobwebs. He brings food that he feels is superior to the brands that I use. He is very generous since he never asks for money for these items and is more than willing to do the required cleaning. He knows this bothers me as I have stated to him often that I feel like a stranger in my own home and not to mention uncomfortable with his scrutinizing everything. He’s not abusive in his language or actions, but tells me that he just wants to help, but I often feel that if I accept this behavior he will take over completely.

I have only known him for a couple of months and since then I have learned that he’s not retired, but was fired from his job, has no permanent place to live (living with his sister at the moment). He keeps telling me he’s going to find a place of his own, but I have the feeling he’s waiting for enough time to pass before he brings up the question of living together (which I have no desire to do). I have the feeling that there is much more this man is not telling me and to be honest I don’t want to know. I do want him out of my life but feel badly since he’s done nothing inexcusably wrong. Is there a tactful way to let this man know that it’s just not working? I’ve never been in this predicament before since I was married and out of the dating market for a long time. I would have been thrilled if my deceased husband had taken such initiative and cleaned behind him, but for some reason this mans behavior sets my teeth on edge and makes me uncomfortable. I would really appreciate some help and advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Like you, I’ve got a bad feeling about this situation. Sounds like you’ve found an obsessive-compulsive controller who is working his way into your home — at a minimum. An important issue here is his total disregard for how you feel about his behaviors — his criticisms, his corrections, his scrutinizing, etc. He clearly doesn’t care if his behavior bothers you. That’s a real bad sign. It not only suggests that he feels justified in his multiple behaviors — but that he feels entitled to do them at your house.

He seems to be holding his position due to your feelings of guilt. This is a situation where your niceness is working against you. It’s actually very common when we’re new to the dating scene. Entering the dating scene after many years, we have this urge to make relationships work out — often tolerating behaviors we shouldn’t be tolerating in an effort to be understanding. After a very short period of time, this fellow is taking over your house!

There’s no easy way to detach from him. Keep in mind he is doing a variety of things that are wrong for you. While not abusive, he is controlling, critical, disrespectful, and selfish in his agenda. This is a guy who demands things his way and is willing to bring the cleaning supplies, mops, food and other things to make that happen — despite any wishes you may have.

I’ve written an article entitled Identifying Losers in Relationships. It’s available on this website. It offers methods for detachment from controlling, abusive, and dangerous individuals. Those strategies would apply in this situation. Gradually have less contact, make up excuses, talk less, and appear less interested. He may be so focused on moving in that he may ignore these subtle detachments. In that case, an honest discussion about the relationship not being a “good fit” for you is in order. Don’t agree to be friends later, still date, etc. I suspect his agenda is very different from yours so you may need to be very firm if not rude about it. If he brings things to your home, be sure he takes them back with him when he leaves.

Ending this relationship will be uncomfortable…but not as uncomfortable as continuing to live with your teeth on edge!