Reader’s Question

I cannot stop thinking about a job that I lost over 17 years ago. For 9 years I was very committed to an employer and had built a team which made him very wealthy. I did an exceptional job, going well beyond the call and never asked for compensation while weathering his numerous bad judgments and decisions. I wanted the company to succeed and grow. Several times I took over all of the management positions when all 3 walked out or he fired them. I gave him counsel when he was at a loss. I worked from dawn until late night for months. I had not taken any time off for over three years. One night I saw the owner of the company (my boss) at dinner with some people whom I had experience with and knew to be less than honorable. Shortly thereafter one of them was hired to run the company. I was told by the new GSM that they could not afford me. I was on commission only and had earned every penny and much more. The new man went through the entire operation and fired loyal employees who had worked for the man’s family before he became owner. I feel totally betrayed and angry. I have dreams, running everything over and over, even day dreams. It makes me angry and sick. I feel I am owed money and respect. I kept thinking that I would get over it. Obviously I haven’t. The hatchet man who ruined the reputation of the business and lives of those people is gone now. I had an idea that if I went back to work for him that I would have a chance to make my case and he would reward me. At least it might give me some closure. Is this crazy? My wife thinks so.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your wife is on the right track…but not crazy. Highest probability: you’re depressed and stressed. If you pause to examine your current stress level, it’s likely to be high. Prolonged exposure to a high stress level can create a stress-produced depression. One of the nastiest symptoms of depression is the manner in which the brain searches for “unfinished business” in our past memories. Old sweethearts we never married, jobs we didn’t take or had bad experiences at, careers we passed up, etc. When depressed, we are actually tormented “out of the blue” by these events — events often decades old. The depressed brain brings these events up so strongly that it feels like it happened yesterday.

In truth — you did survive that job and you did get over it! Under your current stress level, your brain has simply found that very uncomfortable memory and has decided to torture you with it. As weird as it sounds, this is very common in depression. It’s how midlife crisis works also — a review of the road not taken…what could have been. Complicating experience is “Emotional Memory” — bringing the feelings of those times back into the present.

I’d recommend reading my article on emotional memory on this website. I also have an article on Understanding Depression. If this is a stress-produced depression — seek help from your physician or seek a mental health consultation. One out of four of us gets this. At the same time, don’t make any big decisions, don’t quit your job, and don’t buy a Corvette. This is easily fixed. With treatment for depression and stress, your old job will return to your memory banks where it belongs as one of your worst life experiences…but only your history.