Reader’s Question

I hope you can provide some insight into a confusing situation. I’m 45. My older brother was convicted of soliciting sex from an underage girl and will be going to prison for 8 years. I’ve wondered for years if he was hypomanic (our mother is bipolar 1); except for a few times in his life when he’s been depressed, he’s never slowed down, and he’s very focused. He’s always been boastful, bullying, and verbally mean. He loves to make fun of people and lie to them; then he laughs at them. He’s also a Type-A personality and a risk-taker who thinks he’s so smart that the rules don’t apply to him. I recently learned he was a closet sadist for years — even his ex-wife didn’t know, he was cheating on her. At the same time — he worked many hours at a non-profit he believed in; he’s an accomplished professional; he helped a number of people in his personal time; and was a hard-working, very involved and caring father to his 2 kids (so they both say). He helped my parents out by fixing up their wreck of a house — although at the same time he verbally abused them. So he’s done a lot of good as well as bad.

Now he’s depressed and truthfully, he’s a lot nicer to me (I don’t expect that to last, later I’m sure there will be demands for money and help getting out). I feel sorry for him, but I am also angry with him, and appalled. We both had the same parents — intelligent, charming, immature, bad with money, struggling with mood disorders, but certainly not criminal or immoral. I’d have liked better parents but they loved us and did their best in their own self-centered way — that’s more than many people have! I can’t think of anything in his childhood to cause him to behave this badly — I doubt he was molested. I can’t figure out if he’s bipolar, a sociopath, has narcissistic personality disorder, sadistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder or what. I feel horrible to be related to a pedophile, almost contaminated; plus I am sick of his rude behavior to me (he’s only being nice because he needs my help), but at the same time I was brought up to never turn my back on family. On the other hand, I simply can’t trust him, he’s a chronic liar. And in some weird way, I also feel guilty — almost as if I somehow caused this, although rationally that doesn’t make sense. This is so traumatic, and it really hurts. Can you offer any insight as to what could account for his criminal and antisocial behavior? And more importantly, how to handle him once he leaves prison?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You mentioned that your parents were, perhaps related to their emotional states, self-centered in their own way. Your brother has assumed the same position in an exaggerated manner. Clinically, this is probably a combination of Antisocial and Narcissistic Personality, although Antisocial folks are extremely narcissistic by themselves. While he’s abusive and deceptive, he’s also an accomplished con-artist. For this reason, you can assume that his current behavior is on his agenda, not that he’s changed his attitude toward you or life in general.

When we have an antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder in the family, the major theme is setting boundaries. Personality disorders rarely accept responsibility for their behavior, blame others and assume a victim stance, yet equally feel totally entitled to use/con/manipulate others as they see fit. You’ll need to establish clear boundaries about what you are willing to do, spend, or how you are willing to associate with him. Whatever you do won’t be enough. He will also be in panic mode due to his criminal charges and may try to involve you in schemes in an effort to escape his current situation. He will also try to manipulate you from prison — seeking money, outside information, etc. Be very careful. An antisocial personality is totally selfish and he will be willing to ruin you financially if it serve his purpose.

Antisocial and Narcissistic personalities are not related to being molested. Rather early in life they develop a position of selfishness that moves to an “It’s all about me” attitude and way of interacting with others. They have little or no respect for others and view everyone around them as candidates for manipulation. There are no effective treatments for these folks and when you notice a sudden change in their behavior — it’s typically part of a scheme or con to obtain something from you. Sad as it is, I think you know that now. Once he leaves prison, he will attempt to reestablish himself and start all over again. Smarter antisocial personalities typically use a “normal” lifestyle homebase to operate from so he may ask for your support in obtaining that. Sad to say, you’ll always need to be cautious with your brother as individuals with this personality do not think and view life and situations in a normal manner.