Reader’s Question

I have some questions regarding jealous partners, and really hope you can offer some guidance about how to manage spouse jealousy. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with my first child, and the situations listed below are creating considerable concern and doubt about whether remaining in my relationship is the best route to take for myself and my unborn child — especially because I have experienced the toxic and destructive effects of jealousy in relationships in the past. Rightly or wrongly, I interpret jealousy as symptomatic of control and insecurity. All of the situations discussed below have happened in the last 9 weeks.

I am a free loving and liberal environmental activist who believes in freedom of expression — one way I choose to do this is to skinnydip with some of my friends whom I consider my brothers and sisters. My parter has taken issue with this on a number of occasions, and consequently, I have agreed not to on the proviso that he seeks to broaden his mind on this matter. While I understand that more conventional mindsets would believe skinnydipping to be ‘inappropriate’ from my life and circle of friends I have come to see and love my body in its natural naked form and believe that there is nothing wrong with being naked.

So here goes:

The first instance is with regards to a friend I invited over to stay after his homelife turned so bad he thought he might commit suicide. The second instance was when I made compost with my friend naked — it involved us going into a stinking swamp to collect weeds for the brew. The third instance (today) was when I arranged to go to the markets with a male friend — my partner has taken issue with this friend because a few months back, I threw my dog’s toy too far into the water for him to fetch, and as a result I stripped off my bottom half and went to collect it. He now accuses me of doing this on purpose to “get my kit off” in front of other males.

From the very heated discussions we have had over these events, it is appearing that my partner believes that I should not associate with any males other than him.

Two out of three of those instances have led to him stating that he would leave (implied…if I don’t change to more ‘appropriate’ behaviour…) or not be there on my return from activist tours (stated…”which I can’t expect him to be.”) On another occasion when he felt I was putting my activism before our new family, he said that he was leaving and to expect a custody battle over the unborn. In total over the past 9 weeks, the he has treatened to leave 3 times in response to perceived transgressions.

I do love my partner but know that if this type of behaviour continues that the chances of us staying togeather diminish. His threats make me feel scared about my future and that of our child and I am starting to wonder that if I do remain in this relationship what the costs to my psyche will be as more and more chains seek to be placed on my being and what this will do to our baby.

I’m not yet ready to jump ship so I am hoping that you can kindly offer some guidance about how to manage this. To a certain point, if this means that I must change then I will. I believe in and practice looking at myself as honestly as possible and change where it is just and equitable to do so for all parties involved.

I truely appreciate the time taken to answer my query.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The anticipation of a child is prompting both you and your partner to not only examine your relationship, but to project how that relationship will continue in the future. This is not jealousy in the normal sense. Rather, both of you are looking at the other and identifying behaviors, attitudes, and other relationships that might be a threat to the new family. When looking long-range in the relationship, his behaviors/attitudes scare you — and your behaviors/attitudes frighten him as well. There is an option for a “new family” here but how is that new family going to operate? Will this new family have individual parent-oriented priorities, or will there be family priorities? In truth, both of you are scared of the same thing — that the behavior of the partner may negatively impact the long-term relationship and the emotional health of the child. From his standpoint, he may be wanting to insure the parental bond by tightening the bond between the two of you — feeling you should only skinnydip with him. As a free-expression person, you may be feeling that his increased need for “couple” commitment may eventually be socially oppressive. From your description, you have experienced the toxic reactions of jealousy and control in the past — making his behaviors seem all too familiar.

Keep in mind, every relationship goes through this situation when a child is added to the social and emotional table of organization. Each person thinks “how will this make things different?” The two of you may need to have a discussion about how your relationship will be changed by the child. How can each partner retain their personality, activities, and attitudes without negatively impacting the relationship? When a child arrives, we want our life to be more predictable. For example, he knows you’re a skinnydipper and probably expects it under certain situations. In a psychological sense however, you are now representing the “new family” in your behavior — increasing his sensitivity. If he were a person who spent 1/10th of his income on gambling when you were dating — when a child is on the way suddenly that behavior is more threatening.

In the discussions that are common in this transition, it’s often helpful to ask “how can I make you feel safe?” Right now, both of you are doing and saying things that make the other person feel unsafe. You and your partner are considering investing in each other to raise the child, making both of you very sensitive to behaviors and attitudes that pose risk to the stability and security of the relationship. Both of you may need to change and adjust your “old” behaviors and attitudes to arrive at two parents who feel secure with each other — a great combination for the future health of the child.