Victim of Marital Abuse Ends Relationship…Now What?
Reader’s Question
Hi, I have been a victim of abuse for a period of 7 years by my husband. I recently terminated the relationship after he intended to continue his abuse against our newly born son. I left the home with my son, and he came after me apologizing. I have stood my ground, but admit I fear what it’ll be like when I see him face to face, and when he visits our son. I’m at my parents’ home, so I’m safe for now. I’ve started the divorce process, but now that he’s seen this, he’s resorted back to the intimidation that characterized him throughout our marriage. I don’t know why he hates me that much; I went above and beyond in my wife role, and withstood his abuse for so long. Someone told me that going by the way he treated me, he likely suffered some type of trauma that makes him hate women. I was wondering if you could give me some insights as to what could be wrong based on this:
His father died when he was just a baby, and his mother was forced to leave him and his two siblings behind even if they were little, to work abroad and earn a living. She left them to live with neighbors, estranged family members, etc. So there was never adult supervision. She never remarried so there was no father figure. Whenever his mom came to visit, he told me he’d cry out desperately for her not to leave. When she finally was able to bring them to live with them he was 12 years old, and started to live in project housing, which he admits he hated terribly and said he was depressed while living there.
In spite of this, he was able to go to school and have a profession. However, during our marriage whenever his mom came to visit, he’d give her preference over me. I felt many times she was the leader in the house, and not me. However the way I was brought up wasn’t to ever disrespect anyone, and much less the mother of my hsuband. He, on the other hand, kept insulting and trying to isolate me from family. I suspect his upbringing had a lot to do with what I suffered. I fear this can affect our son, and I wonder if there is any way his father could get help so our son is not in danger. He’s of course in denial. I told him once he needed help, and he said I was insulting him. Could you provide me any input? Also, any input for me in terms of being an abused woman? His constant humiliations and insults have made my self-steem drop a lot, but my family is currently providing a lot of support and I know I can overcome it in time. However, I’d like to know what you’d recommend so I can lose the fear of his intimidations…
Thank you in advance for any help.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Folks like your husband typically have what we call personality disorders. While they all have unique backgrounds and histories, their behavior is pretty much the same. I’ve described their behavior in relationships in an article on this website entitled Identifying Losers in Relationships. These individuals are abusive, intimidating, demeaning, controlling, and demanding as a personality. Importantly, your personal behavior has little to do with how you are treated in the marriage. You can be the best partner possible, and their treatment would still be the same. There is a great discussion group on this website about relationships with these individuals.
As a victim, a relationship with an abuser is emotionally exhausting. They purposefully try to destroy your self-esteem. I’ve written another article (on this website) entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome. It describes why normal people often remain in abusive relationships.
When overcoming a history of marital abuse, we want to focus on business — the business of the divorce/detachment — not the relationship. An intimidator wants to focus on those themes he has used in the past — personal criticisms, threats, name-calling, etc. Also a master manipulator, they use a variety of threats that are unrealistic and when that doesn’t work, they often use guilt or promises to change or “I’ll get help”. You need to focus on the business procedures. A typical ploy is to call about the child, asking about three questions, then use the opportunity to attack your self-esteem. When that happens, say something like “This call is about our child, not me” — then hang up. Don’t agree to talk about old times — keep it strictly business. Keep your family close and informed about his manipulative attempts or intimidations. Keep in mind that one reason he can be so hostile is that you may legally be in the power position at this time. Controllers become very upset and angry when their control of a situation (like a marriage) is challenged or changed in any way. Filing for divorce places you in control — something they find very unsettling.
I would recommend professional counseling as you move through this difficult time in your life. If you are experiencing signs of depression, you may want to consult your family physician or a mental health professional. It may require your family and professional support to return your life to normal — but it’s worth it.
