Reader’s Question

I feel that my friend is out for only herself. Two years ago I had to leave a very abusive marriage. My family and I are in a different state in the country. When I left my ex, our child was 8 months old. I was 24 years old and alone. I was going through an incredibly hard time, being on my own with a child. I had nobody around to help me or even to talk to me in general with the exception of my family, but they were in another state. My sister-in-law (although I understand her not wanting to get involved) ignorged all my phone calls to her. I called her all the time, she would not answer or call me back. I would leave messages and she would never return them. Maybe once a month I would hear from her. Now she is pregnant with her first child and seeing her husband’s family for what they are…abusers! She calls me up constantly! And I am answering her calls even though she has ignored me for 2 years. I happen to be a very caring person, but I feel that her new found friendship with me is not very sincere. I don’t know if I should make myself available for her or if I should not.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You should make yourself available to her…not because her history deserves it, but because you are a caring person. When you were going through your difficult time, it’s not uncommon for in-laws to avoid any and all discussion of the situation. This is especially true if the family system is abusive or controlling — they don’t want to risk the wrath of the family for taking sides.

If you’re a caring person, there’s another aspect of this situation we sometimes forget. Being a “caring person” is not only a personality, but it’s an emotional orientation and social skill as well. It’s like being socially outgoing. There are people who feel very self-conscious if not very incompetent when it comes to emotional situations and your sister-in-law may be one of them. Very few people are comfortable enough to provide help during a very emotional time.

Imagine a scale of emotional and social skills. At the easy bottom, everyone will talk to you about having the flu. Maybe 80% will talk with you if you get a speeding ticket, but the number drops to about 40% if you lose your job. Only about 30% are secure enough to talk if you have a serious illness, then 10% if you have terminal cancer. If you’re a mother and your child dies — the number of people who are comfortable enough to talk with you about it drops to about 1%…with other folks actually trying to avoid contact with you in the grocery. If you lose a child, I’ve seen other parents who have lost a child make contact.

In short, your sister-in-law probably didn’t have the skills or courage to help you through your difficult time. You have an opportunity to provide some support to her, not because she has helped you in the past, but because you are a caring person. A good physician treats all his patients, not because of their behavior or status, but because he/she is a good physician.

My two cents…