Reader’s Question

I am living in a joint family. My daughter is 7 years old. She was good until my son was born one year ago. Before my delivery, she was so caring and polite. My son was in a very serious condition at the time of birth and so I did eleven days in hospital. It changed her totally after coming home. She had fever, and I was strictly ordered not to touch her. All this results in the fact she is very rude and so aggressive that I can’t handle her. I love her so much.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Most likely, your daughter is reacting to not only the arrival of her little brother, but to your extensive stay in the hospital as well. At her age (7 years), children talk very well, but they still don’t understand adult life. When parents are hospitalized, especially for many days, children are very fearful that their parent will die. They don’t understand. She would also not understand your being unable to touch her. She was probably “scared to death” during that situation.

Seven year-old children have another major problem. They can’t verbalize their feelings very well. As an adult, we know the difference between being angry and being resentful. Your child was very upset by the birth and hospitalization and now has a collection of feelings that she can’t express to your or understand herself. That’s what makes her aggressive and rude.

Try to spend some individual time with her. Try to focus on how your relationship with her is different than with the infant. Ask for her help as Mom’s helper with the child. Give her special assignments related to helping with the baby. Right now, she feels the baby is getting all the attention — and they usually do! You might want to ask others (family members, friends, etc.) to provide the daughter with some daughter-only special attention or activities. She should grow out of the reaction, but if she doesn’t, a counselor would be helpful.