Reader’s Question

I really need your help on a jealousy issue; I don’t know how to deal, act or overcome this. I’ve tried to not let it bother me, but every day it seems to. I’m engaged to a wonderful man, he’s the love of my life. He always takes care of me, loves me, supports me, etc. I can look in his eyes and tell he loves me but the one bad part of our relationship is that I’m so crazy jealous that years later it will ruin our relationship. We started out in a workforce area, so him speaking to another woman makes me so mad I could beat a hole in the wall. I don’t like the thought of him even speaking to another woman. Even him looking around and me thinking of him looking at another woman makes me mad. I look at other girls to see if they are prettier than me and then watch him to see if he’s going to look. You don’t know how many thoughts have run through my head when he’s at work. (We don’t work together anymore.) I know if he’s going to cheat, he’s going to, and there’s nothing I can do about it. He hasn’t done anything wrong; I’ve always been like this in every relationship and I believe that’s whats ruined most of them but I’m glad they got ruined so I could meet the guy of my dreams. I love this guy so much and I don’t want to fight or hurt him in any way. I need to and want to overcome this issue. My dad is the same way with my mother and always has been, but he’s way worse and I know that’s where I got most of it from, growing up and having to hear silly little things as that. To this day I find it very stupid when she tells me things but I never find it stupid when I do it. I have been cheated on before in a serious relationship, and I took that to another relationship and it ended up making that guy so protective and jealous it freaked me out; it was so hard to be with him and I’m so scared that I’m going to do that now and he’s going to end up leaving me. I tried to go in this relationship vs the last totally different but well I’m still the jealous crazy freak. I want to marry this man, but I don’t know if he’ll want to marry me if I keep acting this way. HELP!!! Please!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are totally correct. Your jealousy will ruin this relationship…and any future relationship for that matter. Why are you so jealous?? Your jealousy probably stems from the fact that you were emotionally and socially traumatized by the infidelity of your previous partner. Being traumatized creates severe Emotional Memories that continue to haunt us and influence our lives for many years…often forever if we don’t act to correct them. You are being tormented by “traumatic recollection” — the triggering of old memories of cheating by current events that are similar to those experienced in the past. If we’ve been severely bitten by a dog, any action by a dog in our environment will be perceived as threatening.

Your personal experience with infidelity only heightens your family exposure to jealousy. Your father was not a healthy role model in this regard. Jealous folks are very miserable themselves and make those around them miserable as well. It’s not a lifestyle you want to have in the future.

I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory on this website. Jealous reactions are actually emotional memory reactions based on your past upbringing and your personal experiences. If you can control these reactions, you can lower your jealousy and do well in the relationship. I would also recommend mental health counseling due to the level of emotional distress this is creating in your life. Jealousy will not go away and will continue to negatively influence your life if untreated.