Boyfriend Has an Infant Son from Another Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. We plan on getting engaged next summer and getting married a couple years afterwards. He recently just had a son with another woman who he had a relationship with before we knew each other. This is really hard for me to deal with. I don’t really know what to expect. I don’t know when I’m acting jealous or if it’s a legitimate concern I’m having. Another reason it’s so hard for me is because I’m still a virgin, waiting for marriage. He’s had five partners. He says he doesn’t mind waiting though. I’m just wondering if this is going to be a long term problem for us. I’m doing much better though than I was in the beginning (the baby wasn’t born when we first started dating). And, do you think that this is going to be too hard on us?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD (Please read our Important Disclaimer.)

This situation will be hard on everyone involved. You are likely to experience real concerns, jealousy, and resentment. Some issues you’ll likely face include:

The involvement of the child in your boyfriend’s (and your) life. Will he have visitation, pay child support, etc.?
The involvement of the child’s mother in your relationship. Will she be cooperative, manipulative, or threatening?
Your position of suddenly becoming a childcare provider.

While this situation will always be an issue, it doesn’t have to be a problem. Communicate your concerns with your boyfriend with the understanding that the situation is very new for him as well. Operate as a team…how are you as a couple going to approach the issues that surface in this situation? Develop couple-based strategies and positions. This can be a very positive situation and can help you develop child rearing/parenting skills. You will also learn a lot about your boyfriend as he approaches this situation. Keep in mind that you are both inexperienced in dealing with not only a child, but the child’s mother, the legal situation, and visitation. Your relationship with your boyfriend is required to mature rather quickly due to this situation. Honest communication and team/couple approaches are recommended.