Reader’s Question

My wife’s drinking has gotten out of hand and she blames everyone but herself. The issue is it is getting worse: I found hard liquor under her bed, and she has been arrested for DUI. The real problem is she is refusing help. We have two daughters (12 and 19) that it effects. We have been married 27 years. I am at a loss as to what I need to do. There is so much at stake and she dosen’t seem to care. I still love her but I can no longer do nothing.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your wife may be having problems with both alcoholism and depression. This is a very destructive combination. The first thing to do is find out what resources are available in your community. Most communities have a drug/alcohol program — some attached to the mental health center or hospital and some non-medical such as AA. Some of these programs offer interventions and consultation with the family. Family members can also seek support from local AA groups who offer programs for family members who are dealing with someone in the family with drinking problems.

Help often comes from difficult situations. If she has another DUI, for example, she might be court-ordered to alcohol treatment. If she is arrested, she may come into contact with alcohol or mental health treatment professionals. There are some times that the family may need to create a confrontation, bringing her alcohol problems to her attention. Keep in mind, she has a lot of reasons that she drinks, she feels entitled to drink, and she feels she has the situation under control. For this reason, confrontations are not easy and denial of a problem is common. If you decide on a confrontation or ultimatum, be sure to have a follow-up plan that includes alcohol treatment and mental health treatment. Confrontations are generally useless if the group has no positive alternatives. You must have answers to questions such as “Ok, I have a drinking problem. What can I do?”