Boyfriend Not Proud of an Incident in His Past
Reader’s Question
I have been in a serious, committed, and loving relationship for more than a year. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. However, there is a problem. I am aware that in the past, my boyfriend has done something he’s not very proud of. He has admitted that to me, but is highly resistant to talking about it. I have told him that I’m not pressuring him to talk about it soon. He can take all the time he needs. A few times, during arguments, I have mentioned to him that not knowing what happened in the past is in the back of my head and is affecting me. He has insisted that whatever happened has nothing to do with our relationship. I don’t dwell on it, I don’t think of it on a regular basis, but I still feel like it’s affecting our relationship. How long do you think I should wait? Any advice?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Most people have done things they’re not proud of, and often don’t tell people about those behaviors. The major concern: is the past situation something that will eventually return to intrude into your relationship? Examples might be a criminal act, the presence of a son/daughter in the past, or some other “time bomb” that might explode in the current relationship. While the behavior may not have anything to do with your relationship — could the behavior return in some manner to be a problem in the relationship? If he can assure you that the issue was a single incident that will not return to haunt your relationship, then I’d leave it alone and move on. On the positive side, he was honest enough to tell you that he had such an incident in the past. Most folks tend to avoid mentioning their past behavior, especially if it puts them in a bad light.
