Reader’s Question

Our 18-year-old son ran away from home with his 40-year-old female school teacher just after he had finished school following an argument with us over the relationship (he had not had any romantic relationships before this). The woman lost her job with the school following disclosure of the relationship and she has since moved away, taking our son with her. We have not seen or spoken with him since then as he has changed his phone and will not tell us where he is living. He has cut himself off from his whole family including siblings and grandparents other than cards at Christmas and birthdays. We do have an email contact but use it sparingly as any emails requesting contact with him result in very angry replies of a blameful, threatening and deeply upsetting nature. It is clear that he is still with the woman after 3 years. Before this relationship started we were a happy stable family with no history of family discord and this situation has been very traumatic for us all. We do not want to lose touch with him but can see no light at the end of the tunnel. Our email contact is very brief and infrequent as we are nervous to make contact for fear of the reaction we may get. It appears that anything we do, however small, just makes matters worse. Please can you advise how we should progress to have the best outcome for him as we are desperately worried for his well-being.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s likely your son has found himself in a Stockholm Syndrome situation. He is a romantic hostage of a controlling manipulator who plans to keep him as isolated from his family and friends as possible. I’ve written about this situation on this website in an article entitled “Love and Stockholm Syndrome“. The article includes strategies for families to take when such a situation is present. I recommend a strategy I call “Hold on Loosely” (from a 1980 song in the US by 38 Special). The goal is to maintain contact at a safe, nonthreatening social and emotional distance.

The techniques she uses to control him will be found in my article entitled “Identifying Losers in Relationships”, also available on this website. She is telling him she sacrificed her career for him, he can’t leave, etc. While he is controlled by guilt, that probably won’t last long.

Your family situation very common. There is a discussion group on this website based on the Stockholm Syndrome article that will be helpful to you. Other families have written in with similar stories and experiences.

On the positive side, your situation has more light at the end of the tunnel than most. The differences in age and maturity level will eventually undo their dysfunctional relationship. As your son matures, he will “outgrow” her attitude toward him, also outgrowing her control of his life. When that happens, one of your casual, nonthreatening emails or cards may prompt a serious contact by your son about how to get home. Until then, recognize that he must react to all family contact attempts with blame, anger, resentment, and rejection. He must do that for his survival in that home in a mystery location. She probably has control of the finances, automobiles, and activities. As he matures, that arrangement will become tiresome to him. Hang on Loosely is your best bet at this time, although it’s difficult during the holidays.