Reader’s Question

I have been married for over a year now and everything was great in the beginning of the relationship. When I became pregnant I was not as interested or turned on by my husband but I just figured that was normal considering the circumstances. Now my daughter is 16 months old, and I still don’t want to be with my husband sexually. I am repulsed by doing anything with him. I have tried to just do it for the sake of my marriage but I find myself sick after the act. My husband is a great guy and a wonderful father but I am not attracted to him anymore and would love to be with someone else, but I can’t bring myself to hurt him. I have had talks with him about how I feel and it just feels like nothing changes with me. I love him but I am not in love with him anymore. I have considered leaving him but I wanted to give him a fair chance before I actually ended the relationship.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In the past eighteen (18) months you’ve married and had a child. That’s a high level of stress and stress is something that quickly kills our sexual desire. It may also be that while your husband is a good man and father, you may have some resentment regarding other parts of the marriage. Does he help with the child for example? You may also have resentment about how your life has changed at this point. Are you tied down to the house/apartment/flat? Have you put a career on hold? Resentment often kills our sexual desire and creates the “repulsive” feelings you are experiencing.

I’d recommend marriage counseling at this point. I often suggest that folks place the relationship on probation, that is, give it six to nine months of marital counseling, try to work out the situation, etc. I’d also recommend that you consider the possibility that you might be depressed. The stress of your current situation may have made you depressed, also common following the birth of a child (post-partum depression). If depressed, consider treatment for your depression. The idea is to be as emotionally healthy as possible when you make such a life-changing decision as leaving a marriage.