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Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD

I Dream of Killing My Daughter’s Boyfriend

Reader’s Question

Q:

I have just recently had a very bad turn of waking up in the middle of the night wanting to kill my daughter’s boyfriend. I was taken to hospital, given all the tests and they found nothing wrong with my head. They now suggest I go to a psychologist. I have been prescribed medication, but I am not happy taking medication as I used to suffer from panic attacks years ago, and the memory is still with me.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

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By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD (Please read our Important Disclaimer.)
A:

My response must assume that you intensely dislike your daughter’s boyfriend. Combined with your history of panic attacks, you may be experiencing some depression and stress. If that is true, medications are appropriate and will be of help, both for the anxiety/panic and the depression.

Your waking in the middle of the night wanting to kill your daughter’s boyfriend is likely a type of night terror or vivid nightmare. This situation frequently happens when we are involved in a highly stressful situation (conflicts with boyfriend) and the dream may reflect a fantasy or thought you have had during the day. Neurochemicals released during stress interfere with our dreams, at times creating a type of night terror in which we awaken physically angry, upset, etc. Medications will help but are not the complete answer. Some tips:

  1. What you go to bed thinking — you will dream about. Try to go to sleep thinking about a pleasant experience.
  2. Review your symptoms for signs of depression such as sleep disturbance, appetite problems, low energy, crying spells, etc. If depression is present, make sure your physician has recognized the depression in your medication program.
  3. Don’t use alcohol to help you sleep. It complicates the situation.

If you actually like the daughter’s boyfriend and these dreams are inconsistent with your feelings for him — additional psychological assessment may be in order. During depression, obsessive thoughts frequently surface. These thoughts are often a form of mental torture as they are inconsistent with our feelings or beliefs. Severely depressed individuals may have obsessive thoughts of killing loved ones, some develop intrusive profanities, etc.