Reader’s Question

My wife recently confessed to a one night stand with a co-worker that happened over 20 years ago. I had children by a previous marriage and was visiting them every weekend which took me away from her when she really wanted us to be making a life of our own. This caused severe resentment and depression for her. She was conflicted because she really cared for the kids and made many personal sacrifices for them. (We never had any children of our own).

I really believe much of the “detail” she has shared with me is true. She insists that the guilt she felt afterwards was overwhelming. They talked it out and she told him she was acting out of anger and frustration, that she did not want me to ever find out. But, they agreed to remain friends and have done so over the past 20+ years.

My wife is staunchly religious, unbelieveably modest and although I cannot concieve of this happening in the first place, I am totally bereft of understanding of how she could be near him all those years without feeling shame and reliving the experience. She claims that it was not about sex and there never were any feelings for him ever. So she put it all out of her mind like it never happened and just continued a platonic friendship. He was sort of a confidant for her. I can understand the “involuntary” time she had to spend with him in the office, but there were many times she went to lunch or otherwise spent time with him she didn’t have to. This is beyond my comprehension.

She will not read any subject matter on this and says it makes her physically ill when I keep bringing it up (the “just get over it” defense). She cannot grasp that this “tableau” is playing in my mind every second of every hour of every day. I fight it with all my will but am losing the battle.

Since this revelation, my blood pressure and heart rate are off the scale. My physician has prescribed meds that I know will slow things down but these will only add to my impotence which is the catch 22. I need to be with her and when I can’t, my pressure and heart rate go wild anyway.

I see no way out. Thanks for listening…it has helped.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’ve heard the expression “Confession is good for the soul”. It is, but only for the person doing the confessing, not for the person in your situation. Your wife’s situation is not uncommon as 70% of extramarital affairs occur during times of high stress. Her description of the aftermath is not unusual as well, recognizing that the event was a mistake and mutually agreeing to not let it interfere with both futures. Over the years, they have developed an understanding about the single event and their separate lives have gone on, socially and at work. I’ve seen this understanding and situation many times over the years, both socially and in clinical practice. It’s often the result of a New Year’s Eve party, high stress, too much alcohol, an attack of intense loneliness, etc. Healthy people understand it for what it is and move on…as she has done.

Here’s the rub… The confessional was good for her soul, getting rid of one last secret. While that secret was 20 years old for her — it’s brand new for you. As is common in these situations, you now have the problem of trying to figure out what happened, actually fantasizing what happened (this is especially bad!), and reacting to the event as though it occurred last weekend. In my article entitled Emotional Memory, I describe how WE FEEL WHAT WE THINK! Simply put, the brain doesn’t know if we are thinking real or fantasy and produces emotions consistent with what we are thinking. You are now preoccupied with fantasies of what you THINK might have occurred with your wife. You’ve taken the five minutes of detail she has provided (these events aren’t that romantic usually) and now generated hours and hours of thoughts and fantasies. Your brain is producing emotional distress such as anger, guilt, resentment, and agitation due to these excessive fantasies. As a result, your blood pressure goes up and something else goes down. When an individual is presented with this type of “confessional”, the reaction you are experiencing is very normal.

I’d recommend:

1. Read my article on Emotional Memory. It will offer techniques to deal with the emotions associated with this situation.
2. Stop fantasizing and filling in the missing information about the one-night stand. This will only increase your emotional and physical distress.
3. Recognize that her behavior is not unusual during high stress and that in truth, she handled it very well with no damage to the marriage or her life at that time.
4. Stop discussing it with her. Those discussions actually become verbally abusive after a while, forcing her to relive (through Emotional Memory) the most guilt-producing event of her life. Rehashing the event only prolongs your misery as well.
5. Forgive her. Realize that this religious and modest individual can make human mistakes.
6. In your intimate relationship, recognize that your impotence may be related to your feelings of resentment and anger toward her, something that will also increase your blood pressure.
7. Focus on relaxing.

In almost all situations like these, couples recover and continue on. Rather than make her feel bad for the event, support her for being open and honest with you. Develop a strategy for recovery as a team. It’s a very old memory and event so using humor often helps.