Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 6 years now, and we’ve always had problems of one sort or another. Some of it has been cultural — he is Jewish and I am Christian — but most of it has been normal relationship issues. We met when I was 18 and he was 24, and for both of us it’s our first serious relationship, and we (more especially I) have been growing up as we’ve been growing into our relationship. At this point, though, as I’m finally starting to decide what direction I want my life to go in and finding myself, I’m starting to feel like this relationship may not be the best for the person I am becoming. I’m not sure how to express why I feel this way, because I’ve been more than a little ambivalent about the whole thing, but I’ll try.

When I was growing up I was a victim of mental and emotional abuse by my father, which lasted up until the day I moved out of his house and in with my boyfriend, who I will simply call John. Because of the mental and emotional abuse, I’ve always had self-esteem issues, which I’m fairly certain will only continue without professional help. John, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have self-esteem issues at all, but definitely has an anger issue. We don’t fight often — we get along really well — but when we do, it’s usually started from a serious discussion about issues in the relationship, our future, or some other major issue. It will turn into a 3- or 4-hour long talk/fight about things where old issues are dredged up, we both get upset and yelling or screaming at each other, I *always* end up overwhelmed and crying and in the end I feel like either I’m the one making all the compromises or that if I’m the one that had an issue to begin with, the issue was never really resolved. It has made it very difficult for me, as I have no desire to be controlled or stepped on by another male in my life the way I was with my dad, but I do love him a great deal and don’t want to imagine my life without him.

I’m generally beginning to think that even if John did ask me to marry him, I might say no and end the relationship on the spot in search of someone who better meets my more adult needs. There are other issues, but definitely too many to go into in any depth here.

My question is, although the relationship has certainly grown and changed as both John and I have, I’m beginning to feel that it may not meet my emotional needs as they stand now, as compared to what they were 6 years ago. How can I determine whether this relationship is truly going to be the best thing for the woman I am becoming? Are there any major indicators I should be looking for to make these decisions?

Sincerely,
Hurting in Hollywood

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you described, a major issue here is who you are becoming as a woman and as an independent person. An age difference between 18 and 24 is quite a gap when we considered how personalities change during those times. You have matured during this relationship, improved your self-esteem and self-confidence, and are looking at the future. I suspect John was fairly solid in his personality at 24, probably something that attracted you at the time. In considering your situation, I can propose a theory:

While you have made dramatic changes in your maturity and personality, John has probably changed very little. The current method of discussion and problem solving in the relationship is very ineffective — yelling, screaming, dredging up old history, and talking down to you to the point of exhaustion. He may be still relating to you as if you were 18 with low self-esteem. He may actually be threatened by your maturity in the relationship, something that often prompts him to use “history” in the current arguments, as though you were still making decisions at that age level.

In this situation I often advise putting the relationship on informal/unannounced probation. Project a time, perhaps several months, and decide that during that time you are going to try to fix the relationship — and see if he wants to fix it as well. Focus on discussions like two adults, almost business-like, and remind him that “history”, blame, screaming, etc. are irrelevant and inappropriate in relationship discussions. Give him your emotional expectations. During this probation time you should receive a good indication of his ability to be the partner you need at this time — not six years ago. He may rise to meet the challenge and change in the relationship. You may also discover that you have matured beyond what he can do. In any event, evaluate the progress at the end of the probation time and determine your next step. If your efforts produced no change, then change is not likely in the future.