Reader’s Question

I’ve known a girl now for 2 years. We started dating when she was 17, and her parents found out about it and they separated us for 3 months. Now she’s 18 and she is allowed to see me, but they often tell her that she needs to end this relationship and they know that she loves me enough that she’d leave home to be with me, before she’d let our relationship end.

I’m 27 years old, I’m a manager of a bakery and I’m working on an associates degree in graphic design. I’m currently working on a resume, so that I can work in my field and make better money. I’m a very ambitious person. I came from a poor family and it made me appreciate what I have, and I work very hard for everything I have. I’ve not promised anything to my girlfriend but fidelity and the best I can do, and she loves me for that.

My girlfriend is 18 and she is about to graduate high school and she is going to school for teaching. Both of us understand the stress and dedication that college demands, but we both are set on making this relationship work as well.

The age difference between us is 9 years, but we have great chemistry together. We have similar political, religious and family views and we have civil disagreements and we settle things pretty easily or we can agree to disagree.

Her parents have never seen her be so adamant about anything as they have seen her act about me, so they think that I’ve manipulated her thinking and made her promises I can’t keep. Her parents avoid talking to me and they decline any kind of event that I may attend. My girlfriend is also a competitive dancer and they skip her competitions if they know I’m going to attend.

Her parents say that they have a problem with the age gap, but they clearly say a lot of things that are bogus and silly. Like “what’s a 27-year-old want with an 18-year-old?” They think that I only date her for sex and that she is someone I can manipulate. They say I’m a nowhere situation, and that it’s bad news. Everytime they say these things, it makes my girlfriend want to be with me more and I guess they don’t realize that.

I’ve written letters to her parents explaining who I am as a person and what I do for a living and what my plans are for the future with my girlfriend, as well as calling them on the phone only to get cut short because they are “busy”.

I feel that I’ve gone as far as I can in every direction and her parents just aren’t going to hear me. I’m a very family focused person, I don’t have enemies and I can quickly resolve any conflict with anyone. So, this is hard for me to accept. I’m a very driven person and I love my girlfriend dearly and I waited 3 months without seeing her (she couldn’t see me until she was 18). I lost a lot of weight and withdrew from everything it seemed. It was one of the hardest times in my life, separated from my best friend.

Even after waiting for 3 months and continuing to put up with the things they make us go through, I figured her parents would see that there are still good guys out there and that maybe they could give me a percent of a chance.

Any suggestions?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Parents struggle with this type of situation. The age difference is frightening to them as they feel the more mature person is actually controlling and manipulating their daughter. They also don’t trust their daughter’s “chemistry” and fear she may be “in love” due more to chemistry than common sense. Another parental concern is the daughter’s lack of dating experience, as she hasn’t been given a chance to date as an adult. They will also have concerns that you, or anyone an 18 year-old daughter falls in love with, will not be a good choice over the next number of years.

Having two daughters I can offer some bottomline issues. Parents need assurance their daughter is safe and protected. They need to know that you are looking out for her best interests. When talking with you, they need to hear a mature adult on the other end of the conversation. If it comes up, they need to hear that you don’t drink and drive, you take her to safe places, etc. They also need to hear that you are not interfering with her life plan. If she plans college, they need to hear you support college as a very important part of her life and future. They need to hear that you are not guiding her in any way except a positive direction. It helps them to know that you are saying the same adult and parent-like things they are saying. Lastly, they need to hear that you have a plan — it’s mature, it’s obtainable, and it’s stable. In an odd way, in this situation parents have tons of fears and your girlfriend may have few fears. This again frightens the parents.

Keep in mind that they are giving you a chance…maybe reluctantly, but you are seeing your girlfriend. Let them know that you’re a good investment. Also remember that parents view most promises and plans as absolutely nothing. They need observable proof that you are doing what you plan. They need to see university enrollment, work, part-time projects, etc. A promise to have a career won’t buy a cup of coffee. Activity toward your goal is the best way to prove your intentions are true.