Reader’s Question

I’m 24yrs old and married. I’m a women that’s having problems in my marriage because of my past. I’ve been abused by my parents, especially my dad who always used to beat me, and I’m the middle child that’s always picked on. Over the years it’s made me very hard-hearted, full of hatred, stubborn as a mule, and aggressive. I lived in fear, yet I’m capable of loving immensely. What should I do? Husband says I don’t even listen when we fight, I just spit venom and get very defensive. Help! What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s see…hard-hearted, full of hatred, stubborn, aggressive, and living in fear. Those are the strategies and techniques people develop to survive in an abusive, threatening or dangerous situation. When we live in a threatening environment, we must take everything personally. In a combat zone, we must imagine that every noise, broken twig, and even the silence means something very personal and very serious. Developing those behaviors and attitudes help us survive. The problem, as you discovered, it turning those strategies off when we leave that threatening or abusive environment.

Abusive and threatening environments create severe Emotional Memory problems (see article on this website). Our memories of abuse, physical assault, verbal attacks, etc. are “triggered” by casual comments by our spouse or co-workers. You will notice that your husband can use certain words or facial expressions that will literally trigger a verbal attack from you. His loving wife suddenly becomes a flame thrower!

You need to leave your survival strategies in the past, where they belong. My Emotional Memory article contains new strategies to deal with the memories of abuse. Because the root of the problem is emotional memories of past abuse, you’ll find yourself more defensive, hostile, resentful, and hard-hearted as the holidays approach. The Christmas emphasis of the “loving family” will trigger your memories of abuse on a daily basis. Your husband won’t know what’s hit him! You’ll find yourself exploding, lashing out, and being emotionally inappropriate — yet not knowing why.

I would also recommend seeing a counselor/therapist. Your past is haunting you and intruding into your normal relationship. The intrusion of emotional memories and inability to turn-off the survival behaviors is why there is such a high divorce rate in military personnel returning from a combat area. Treatment is available and this can be fixed.