Is My Friend a Narcissist?
Reader’s Question
Is my friend a narcissist? I have a friend who is good looking and intelligent. She is entertaining and popular. However I have noticed some things about her. She likes to be surrounded by people who think highly of her. She attaches a lot of importance to success, intelligence or appearance when looking for a partner. She has had several affairs with married men and doesn’t really recognise any boundaries when it comes pursuing what she wants, although she is secretive about this. She appears to have a strong sense of self worth and never really apologises for anything. I’m just curious are these traits of a mild narcissist?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
There’s a difference between being narcissistic and being a narcissistic personality (a personality disorder in psychiatry). She clearly has narcissistic features as do many successful, intelligent, and good-looking people. People become narcissistic when their high level of self-esteem produces increased selfishness. They develop a sense of entitlement, superiority, and grandiosity that is above their current personal situation. They become self-absorbed and preoccupied with their need for attention, social status, and recognition. As you describe, they often have few boundaries when it comes to getting their selfish needs or demands met, eventually justifying the use and manipulation of those around them. They develop emotionally shallow relationships, typically with a goal in mind such as attention or social status. The key: Narcissistic personality is socially maladaptive and does not create healthy relationships. If she has this personality disorder, you will continue to be her friend as long as it’s of benefit to her. As I’ve said before, a dog sits on your lap because he/she loves you. A cat sits on your lap because your lap is warm.
