Reader’s Question

I have a problem, and I would much appreciate your advice. I love my family so much. I’d do anything for them. But I have such a strong hatred and dislike of my younger sister, (she’s four years younger). I’d do anything for her not to see harm, but I have this uncontrollable urge to make her life a disaster. I am embaressed when we’re in a social situation. I can’t stand her immaturity. I hate it when my parents show her affection. Her word is always held against mine. Without questioning, I am blamed for all her faults. One day we had a fight, and she yelled that she hates me and wishes that I moved out. My parents ran for her comfort without giving a second look at me. Jealousy, I know. But isn’t this unfair? How can I stop all this aggression, and dislike?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Sibling rivalry is very common and often continues into adulthood. The situation you describe is also very common. With the four-year difference in age, your sister will be viewed as needing more support than you. In an argument, this is why they will support and comfort her — feeling you are too old to need such adult and parental comforting. You don’t mention your age, but it’s clear that immaturity is something you are dealing with as well. You are describing jealousy when your sister receives attention.

Is the situation unfair — yes. But it’s unfair both ways. As the older sibling, your sister has always been jealous of your position, what you are allowed to do, and your freedom. You are treated like an adult…and she is treated like a child…that makes her jealous and resentful toward you. It goes both ways. One of you must be an adult in this situation. Rather than look at your little sister as your rival or competition, look at her as your “little sister”. Rather than seeking child-level attention from your parents, seek adult-level attention from them. Keep in mind that as a parent, when they comfort her — they are not going away from you — they are going to her due to her age. Comforting a younger daughter is not a rejection of the older child…it’s an acknowledgement that your sister is four years younger, not a mature individual, and more emotionally needy.

There’s a saying in the entertainment industry — “Never allow your act (stage act) to follow a child or a dog”. The reason: a child and a dog will always be cute and receive more attention than you. It’s the price of adulthood and one of the side benefits of being a child (or a cute dog). Rethink the way you relate to your parents and become an adult like them. Your sister can’t discuss politics, current events, careers, etc. Use your four years difference to your advantage rather than try to compete at her level.