Reader’s Question

I have been dating a great man, whom I love every minute, over the last 2 months. We have spent a lot of time together and have become very close. At the beginning of this relationship he asked me if I was in it for the long haul and I said I was and he said he was too. He also let me know that he has been separated from his ex-wife for 14 months and they have 4 children together, that he still loves her but can’t live with her. He has had one relationship with a partner before me 6 months ago, and his ex-wife became jealous. He was drawing up the divorce papers, but they got back together for another go at the marriage and it did not work. He says he does not get a lot of communication from her about what she believes about his requested needs which are not ultimately met in their marriage, e.g. shared parenting ideas and house management ideas. Issues one would believe should be sorted easily unless there are really deeper issues going on here. I had noticed that he has had the divorce papers sitting on his dresser in which he just got her to sign 3 weeks ago and stamped by a JP but has not lodged them and that he has been introduced into my life and my child but I have not met his children yet. I was starting to feel like the other woman. He has told his ex and children he is seeing someone. I asked him why he is not putting in the papers, what was holding him back, and my feeling like the other woman and that I need to know if he did not have these living issues with his ex would he be back with her and his answer was yes. I like his honesty but feel like I am being pulled into their games and a triangle thing going on. His statement also lets me know his heart is still with his ex, even though he tells me he is in love with me and does not want to hurt anyone. I asked him if he could try and get some idea of his needs and wants and to follow them with action. So he went to his ex and said he would like to try it again and that he thinks because it did not work last time that maybe they should live separately and be like boyfriend and girlfriend. She did not give him an answer either way. He said she has a month to think about it while she and the children are away over Christmas holidays. He then said it is going to be a difficult month for him at the same time telling me he loves me and staying the night with me. I could spend the next month with him with living in the now and enjoying it in the belief he may go back to his wife or I could say to him why don’t you pack your suitcase and go to her tonight and say I took you not saying anything to mean yes so here I am, let’s give it a go? I am sure he would get an answer then. I am a big girl but have fallen for this guy and am afraid of getting hurt as I cannot force what they do but I need a little advice here. Am I being a loser?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

To start with…I don’t think you are the Loser here. Dating only two months, still connected with his ex, keeping you detached from his children/lifestyle, making no moves to settle his situation, yet telling you he loves you. At this point, he has you in a partial relationship — a relationship that is isolated/detached from his on-going lifestyle. As a normal, healthy person you have tried to add him to your family and lifestyle — but he has not. While he asks you about the long-haul, so far this is an errand down the street.

You need to be cautious here. He seems to have more games than a Playstation. You can live in the Now but I wouldn’t plan on making an investment in this relationship. I would read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. I suspect he’s keeping you on “back burner” while he negotiates with his potential ex for a better deal. Overall, the relationship is what it is. It’s unlikely to grow from this point. In truth, he’s spent the past 14 months going back and forth with his ex and plans to continue this pattern in the future. You need to protect yourself and your feelings rather than worry about the games he and his ex are playing.