Reader’s Question

My relationship got the Kiss of Death: I’ve been dating this boy for about 3 months now, and most of it has been rather pleasant, and I’ve been happy. I’ve had my worries and doubts, but that comes with every relationship. Recently, though, my doubts and uncertainties have been getting bigger, and I find myself thinking of other men, developing small crushes, thinking of myself in other situations, and it’s really starting to scare me. I told myself that I want to make this relationship work, to stay with it, and wait awhile longer until I really decide if I want to break it off.

However, the other night my boyfriend said those three fatal words, and now I’m more confused than ever. Our conversations have now become very awkward, and I’m starting to get uncomfortable when I’m around him or think of him too much. I know I’m in high school and relationships are very casual, but I’m still stressing out. I don’t know the true extent of my feelings for him. I’m worried that I’ve been with him just because I was bored, or it was a spur-of-the-moment answer, or he was just a rebound because I was badly hurt before we started dating; I’m completely disoriented.

Along with that, I find myself coming up with mental lists of all his bad features. He holds me awkwardly, he kisses funny, he is a little too goofy, his lips and nose look weird; anything and everything that isn’t perfect is added to my list.

I do care for him and like him like all of my friends, but I don’t love him. I can’t live like this. Staying with him might confuse me more, but if I break up too soon, I could be making a huge mistake.

I could go on and on about it, but I think this should do for now.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

One of the key issues here is your comment “I’m still in high school”. As a teen, all of those first-paragraph thoughts and behaviors are totally normal. In all relationships it’s very rare for two people to develop feelings for each other at the same rate. Your boyfriend may have developed stronger feeling faster than you and when this happens, he’s “in love” and you’re at the “good friends” stage. Teen relationships are also confusing because you both speak and hear those I-Love-You words for the first time, sometimes without a full understanding of what that means. As you mentioned, our feelings for someone can be related to who they are and how they treat us…but also to our emotional state, rebounds, and even our home life.

The solution — there’s a difference between breaking up and reducing the relationship to a lower level of intensity. The I-Love-You level is pretty intense as your reaction tells us. Let him know that you are in school, have plans for the future, and are not ready for such an intense relationship at this point. Many people see the I-Love-You level as a lot of responsibility as well as obligations and even restrictions. It’s not a place to go lightly and if you’re not ready for that — don’t go there. Offer him a less stressful level as “dating” rather than being “in love”. If he protests or refuses to accept the situation — chances are he was too controlling to begin with and that I-Love-You would have been followed with lots of restrictions. You don’t need to spend your high school years with a Mr. Intensity. Keep in mind that if you feel uncomfortable about something, there’s a good reason. It’s not a huge mistake to avoid a relationship or situation that makes you uncomfortable. When a relationship is right, the use of those three words will appear very natural and appropriate. You don’t have that in this situation. Be very cautious.