Reader’s Question

Hello, I am a 26-year-old male in the process of trying to get back with my fiance. We just recently split up because of my lying to her. I was hiding the fact that I didn’t have a driver’s license. I did end up getting caught by the police and this is the reason that we aren’t together at the current time. I guess some of my financial problems are some of it also. This break is for me to get some of my responsibilities taken care of. For me I still love this woman very much and would give anything to be back with this woman. The part that does bother me is that I sometimes get mixed signals from her. I understand her wanting me to get my life straightened out but sometimes I really don’t know what to do. She has told me that it is going to be very hard for her to trust me again but she also said she can’t say that it’s out of the question. Some of the things that she does make it seem like she doesn’t want us to get back together. She is very bold about the things she says when talking on the phone. It’s almost like, no matter what I say she has her mind made up already if it’s something about our relationship. I don’t know if some of these things matter or not but my cell phone is still on her account and I still have a credit card that is on her account. Sometimes I think it’s only going to be a matter of time before I get my own account for these things but I really don’t know.

For me the only thing is, I wish I knew how to handle this situation and try for us to move on. I guess the thing that I was trying to find out, is there any way to tell by her actions or our conversations if she is wanting to get back together? It really bothers me mentally when she says that after I get my things straightened out to call her, but then she says she can’t make any promises. I was also wondering if there is any way to show her that I am a changed or changing person. I am taking a financial class to better myself that way. I am getting a second job to get my financial condition under control so I can try and get back with her sooner. I know it’s not good to lie about anything but this is the only thing that I have lied to her about. I have never cheated on her or anything like that. I don’t just lie out of habit, but I did lie to her about not having a license and that is the only thing. The only thing thing she has said for sure is that until I get some of this taken care of, she doesn’t want us to be in a relationship. Is there any way that I can get her trust back totally? And in the meantime, while she waits for me to get this straightened out, how do I go about trying to talk to her and letting her know that I am not going anywhere but without drilling this into her? I guess trying to communicate with her but without driving her away.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Many men and women develop a high tolerance for financial and social instability. They take the motto “live one day at a time” too seriously. As a result, they may have a pattern of being socially irresponsible, financially unstable, and dependent upon others. When single, they also find themselves socializing with people who have similar lifestyles and for this reason, it doesn’t seem like a major issue. This lifestyle and attitude becomes a significant issue and concern when you are dating a responsible and socially stable individual — as your ex-girlfriend must be.

To be straightforward here, your ex-girlfriend wants an equal partner, not an adult-child to raise and take care of. From your description, I would imagine the arrest (a very rare event in healthy dating by the way) with lying about a driver’s license was the “final straw” in a relationship where she has been the responsible adult. She has already provided you with a credit card and cell phone.

Your ex-girlfriend is protecting herself…as she must in this situation. You’ll be wrong to focus on “the lie” as a the major problem in the relationship. The problem is the long pattern of social and financial instability if not irresponsibility. You have not only lost her trust, but your credibility as well. As you work to repair your lifestyle, you may contact her with a status report but clearly, she is not willing to invest in a relationship where your lifestyle might damage her. I would also recommend surrendering your cell phone and credit card connected to her account as a show of good faith. Keep in mind that becoming socially responsible and financially stable is important…even if it doesn’t result in a reunion with your ex-girlfriend.