Reader’s Question

Hello, I am 28 years old, married for almost 8 years, and we have a 6-year-old son. I am confused about my relationship. I love my husband, but there are things that just get to me, like him not doing stuff around the house, being grouchy all the time, and not helping out with our son. I am not very sexually active anymore ever since I had my son. Just not in the mood anymore. I recently went online and met this wonderful man, and he seems like what I have always wanted, but why am I going online finding love? I am married… Should I stay in my relationship or should I not? I don’t want to hurt him or my son.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’re on the verge of getting into trouble here! What you are describing is a type of chronic depression, something that often follows childbirth. Other symptoms will include sleep problems, loss of sexual interest, low energy, negative attitude, irritability, social withdrawal, lack of enjoyment in daily activities, bleak outlook about the future, loss of visions/goals, gloom and doom perspective on life, etc. 70% of extramarital affairs occur when the individual is stressed or depressed — looking for something that is joyous and happy. The problem is, as the country music song tells us: “Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places”.

Meeting someone online is an artificial relationship. Your description of “seems like” is totally accurate. Folks develop relationships online, often using very personal and intimate discussions. However, that relationship is not based on any true knowledge of the other individual. Some online daters are social and emotional chameleons — after pumping you for some basic information, they gradually become that partner you’ve never had. For example, you’re probably being told he’s a wonderful father, helps around the house, and is spontaneous and joyful all the time. When it comes to the Internet — What you see isn’t always what you get!

I would research the possibility that you are depressed. You can read articles on this website or an article entitled Understanding Depression. If you discover that you are depressed, consult your family physician or OB/GYN and consider an antidepressant medication. You should also consider counseling as after many years of depression, your self-esteem and sense of self-confidence have probably been disolved.

We lose many marriages to depression. Like you, a partner slowly and gradually fades away and out of the relationship. Keep in mind, you’ve also faded away from your son during this time. As evidence, your attraction and interest in a man you’ve never met is overriding your concerns for your son and marriage. This would be like your husband announcing that he’s leaving the marriage and his career to pursue a fantasy career in Big Time Wrestling.

This is a very dangerous time in your life. You need to make decisions that are not based on a need for joy or distraction from depression. Again, professional help is your best option at this time.