Reader’s Question

My problem may seem very small, but I am in a very big dilemma. I am in love with this man for the last two years. I had a seven-year-old relationship with a boy who knows me from my schooldays. But that relationship broke up. After that I have never been into a relationship for almost two years. I have been attracted to one person but it never became a complete affair. Still I am a virgin and never crossed my society’s (I am from India) limit for having sexual relationship. I have always been in search of a romantic relationship like seen in movies and stories. But I never met one. Then after waiting for long I met this person, who loved poetry and literature. We started our relationship and are planing to get married in one or two years. I have told so many lies to him like, I never had a relationship, you are my first lover, and so many things to make him feel that I am romantically attached to him. But he came to know that I lied to him.

Over these two years I have become so attached to him that I don’t want to lose him at any cost. Here starts my problem. He doesn’t trust me. He verbally abuses me. Never allows me to talk with other men, even my colleagues. Always thinks that I will have relations with other men. I am not able to concentrate on my office work which creates tension in my office. Even my friends fear that I have a mental problem. Sometimes he behaves like a psycho or a sadist. Physicaly he absuses me. He behaves like he wants to give all the pain he can. I told him to see a psychologist. But he disagrees, and makes me feel that due to my actions he behaves like this. Up to an extent it is true. It was me who said so many lies about my past relationships. But is it a good reason for this torturing? We don’t live in the same place; he lives 7 hours away. Life has become miserable. I don’t know what to do. What I want is just a happy life with him. Please show me some way.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Lying to him early in the relationship does not entitle him to verbally, physically, or mentally abuse you. If that was a problem, he would have just ended the relationship. As you see now, he is an abuser and controller who also likes poetry and literature. If you are feeling miserable, it’s because this relationship is unhealthy and miserable. I’m afraid this is not the romance you were trying to find.

You have felt guilty for using lies during the relationship (which is not unusual by the way). He is using that guilt to abuse you, blaming you for his abusive behavior. You have accepted his abuse as though it is punishment for your lying. In truth, abusive people are abusive and he would have behaved the same way if you had been honest, lying, or simply not telling him anything about your past.

It may sound harsh, but staying in this relationship will only make you more miserable. You may have fallen in love with him due to the distance involved — 7 hours. Long-distance relationships are partial and part-time relationships where we often don’t get a true picture of how our partner behaves. During brief contacts, phone calls, or emails, they can be on their best behavior. I think you are now seeing the true picture of how his behavior is going to be in the future. I can’t recommend staying in this relationship. I can recommend counseling to improve your self-esteem.