Reader’s Question

My fiancé has recently confessed to sexually explicit conversations with several females who are co-workers or “friends” from church. We are in the process of working through this which has included discontinuing contact with the above mentioned women. We are both very affectionate people who love to hug our friends, however given the circumstances I have asked that we both practice new boundaries when it comes to hugging anyone of the opposite sex. i.e. only limited one arm hugs for our closest friends of the opposite sex and no more hugging of casual acquaintances. Is this reasonable?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I think that’s more than reasonable. Couples must work as a team and when confronted with a relationship, boundary, family, or any other type of issue — the couple must develop a strategy. As part of the relationship, you both must work to make each other feel safe. As you describe, physical boundaries are often a subject as are “conversational boundaries”. We sometimes forget that conversations can be just as personal as physical touching. Most couples consider their romantic behavior private, as well as their embarassing experiences.

This situation is very common in significant relationships and with proper communication, can be worked out to the point that both people feel not only safe, but feel more secure in the relationship knowing that problems and issues can be solved.