Reader’s Question

After reading several questions on your site, they all pertain to me, but none of them pertain to me. I have been with the same man for 20 years. We have been married for 18 of those years and we have 3 wonderful children…I don’t know how they became wonderful, unless they are becoming adult children of alcoholics. I myself came from an abusive family (although my parents never drank in my lifetime, they have all the earmarks of alcoholics). I have managed to become a wonderful actress and liar. I am petrified of being alone, even though I am more than capable of taking care of myself and my children; I continue to live with a man who has changing addictions (originally alcohol/marijuana, then comics, then movies, now books.) I am incapable of not taking care of him. I am afraid my daughter has also developed this enabler trait: I had planned to leave him and she stated that she wanted to stay with him so he would not be lonely.

My husband was originally a violent man who was extremely jealous of his children. He overcame the violence, yet he continues his jealousy streak, and he does have a temper, or at least he sulks, terribly when he doesn’t get his way. We had tried counseling years ago. I went in and told the therapists all of my issues. He went in and told the therapist all of my issues too. After several weeks of hearing how terrible I was (I am a bad housekeeper, not health department bad, but shoes in the middle of the floor bad), I explained that the children were afraid of him because of his temper, he lost it, he called me a liar and I never returned. He does not hold a job, nor does he attend work regularly when he does have a job.

I know I should leave, but after years in counseling, my counselor told me, I would replace him with another version of him. I know I do not NEED a man in my life, but my abandonment issues control my life. I do not know how, after 38 years, to calm this ever-growing anxiety of being alone. This anxiety has also led me back to him on every occasion when I did leave.

How do I leave? How do I stay single? I have almost no friends, because it takes all my time to pacify him. How do I stop looking at his minimal changes and feel like there is hope? Or maybe there is hope. We are friends, I think. I enjoy being with him at least 40-50% of the time, and he says that if I could get over the old stuff, I would enjoy more of the time we are together. Am I just being too hard on him? Am I just too hard to please? Please help me. I feel trapped and lost in this maze of questions.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband is likely a personality disorder (PD). Individuals with a PD are totally self-centered (jealous of his own children), have abusive behaviors, take no personal responsibility for their own behavior, blame you for their behaviors, and accept no responsibility for those around them (won’t work, no concern for family finances, etc.). He is maintaining his low-responsibility status in the relationship with a variety of manipulations including guilt, anxiety, pouting, acts of helplessness, and sometimes intimidation.

Your concerns about being alone stem from the fact that you have not prepared yourself to be alone. In your situation, folks need an exit plan if they are to change their life. An exit plan may involve months or even years during which time we rebuild our self-esteem, redevelop family and friends, prepare ourselves for living alone, and gradually detach from our PD partner. Keep in mind that he is not concerned with the health, value, or difficulties of your lifestyle. He is only concerned that he has enough comic books, books, etc. You will need to save yourself in this situation. I recommend counseling to develop you personal sense of self. Right now, you see yourself as bonded with your husband in this situation while he doesn’t feel bonded to anyone. He wants you go get over his behavior for his benefit, not for yours. I would recommend reading my articles on Identifying Losers in Relationships and Love and Stockholm Syndrome. I think you’ll see him in the first, and you in the second. Good luck in this difficult situation.