Reader’s Question

I am divorced after 20 years of marriage. I’ve been divorced since April 2007. I started seeing a guy in September, and we really hit it off and it was great. In Oct — after a night when I thought he was going to tell me he loved me — he became cool as a cucumber! Then a month later he asked his sis-in-law who I work with how I was & we started talking again — and it blossomed & was great until mid-January. Then he asked me to marry him, I said don’t tease me, he said I’m not teasing, I’m asking you a question — will you marry me? Then I haven’t heard from him except for a generic call about a tractor tire!! I know he is leading his life from fear since his divorce was so bad (2 yrs ago) and his wife cheated on him. I know he will call again. I forgot to add we are sexually exclusive but still have dated others. I wanted to be all exclusive & was going to talk about it when he just starts withdrawing. Is there any hope?? I know he’s crazy about me & I am him. My manager who is like a mom to me said that I’m in love with him. My heart is breaking. I think I know what I have to do. Thanks so much.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The normal recovery time for a divorce is about the same as a head injury — about 18 months. Emotionally traumatic marriages often take longer to heal. Relationships during that recovery period can be very difficult. From your description, both of you may not be ready for a solid relationship at this time. He goes from being loving to cold — from asking you to marry him to talking only about tractor tires.

Being crazy in love with somebody doesn’t mean the details of the relationship will work out. As we know from our teen years, love and maturity are not always connected. At this point, there is a lot of instability in this relationship. If you feel it’s worth the effort, I’d place the relationship on a secret probation — work hard on it and give it another four to six months. If it remains unstable and confusing, then it’s not likely to improve or stabilize. At that point, I’d consider moving on. Remember that many people remain in a type of “relationship fog” for many years following a divorce. Some never recover and move from one unstable relationship to another without ever improving their social or life situation. You don’t want to get stuck with someone in that spot. If you do, you’ll find yourself “engaged” for ten years with the relationship never moving beyond that point.