Reader’s Question

Is it normal for a man to go without sex for long periods of time? Ever since my child was born two years ago my husband won’t have sex with me. We have been intimate twice in the last two years. We both gained weight. What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Assuming your husband is physically healthy, no, it isn’t normal that the intimacy in your marriage has disappeared. The question is — What happened? Likely causes for a loss of intimacy in your situation are:

1. Increased pressures of parenting and related stressors have overwhelmed him, actually making sexual intimacy the least of his worries.
2. Increased pressures of parenting an infant/child have given you too many responsibilities, lowering your affectionate “signals” as well as lowering his affectionate behaviors.
3. One or both of you may be somewhat depressed.

Depression is a major reason that sexual interest disappears. Do you see other signs of depression in your husband including sleep problems, irritability, loss of motivation, low energy, etc.?

Talk with him. Tell him what you see and feel and ask about his current feelings about it. He may have lost some self-esteem with his personal weight gain but we won’t know unless you ask him. To be effective parents, you and your husband need to keep your marriage healthy and happy. Get talking…